1. Banish the word "should" from your vocabulary. Stop thinking things like, "I should have had a baby by now," or "If that pregnancy had been successful, I should have a 3 month old right now." A lot of our grief comes from thinking about what might have been. As difficult as it is, you have to let go. This is the way that your life is and this is your journey. It may be much different than what you thought, but you can't change that.
2. Trust yourself. People are going to give you all sorts of advice, solicited or unsolicited. People will tell you what worked for them, their sister, their hairdresser, their friend's friend's ex sister in law. Remind yourself that they are giving you advice because they care. Then cover your ears (I'm only half serious). You know yourself and your marriage and your body better than anyone else. Do what feels right for you.
I was very interested in tracking my basal body temperature when I first started trying to conceive. I thought that it was interesting and I liked knowing what was going on with my body. My family members and friends thought that I was nuts, that I was stressing myself out. I heard over and over again that I should stop. I did for one month and you know what, it stressed me out. When I went to meet with my doctor yesterday I was able to provide over a years worth of data-- when I ovulated, when I didn't, what my cycles looked like etc. I had information, I knew my body and I felt in control. I was so incredibly thankful that I had listened to myself and tracked my information.
So no matter what people say, do what feels right for you and your family. Again, repeat after me, trust yourself.
3. Refocus your energy. Baby fever is real my friends. For the first few months of ttc I spent a lot of time online looking at maternity clothes and baby clothes and researching strollers. It felt good and exciting and new. About 10 months later it was just down right depressing. I decided to stop. Use this time to refocus your energy on something that doesn't involve waiting for 2 pink lines. Train for a 10K race, cook your way through your favorite cook book, host a dinner party, start a new workout program, create a list of books to read, etc. It feels good to have something else to think about and it keeps you from getting into a funk.
4. Live your life. This one ties in to #3 but expands on the idea that your life shouldn't be on pause. For a long time I lived that way. It felt like pregnancy was just around the corner. We didn't touch the extra bedroom (aka a storage room) because that was going to be the baby's room and there was no point in painting it twice. I didn't drink from about seven days after ovulation to when I got my period just in case I was pregnant. I didn't like to plan vacations because I thought, I might be pregnant. Eventually I realized that I was living like a hostage. My advice is to live your life. Go on vacation, go after that new job, train for that marathon and paint that extra bedroom. Keep your sanity girl and stop living on pause.
5. Reach out. Talk to people. Whether it's your sister, cousin, friend or anonymously in an online forum, talk about this experience. Fertility issues can be very isolating and it's easy to feel alone. Often I find that talking to someone else who is going through this makes me feel a million times better. I remember the day I found out that my hairdresser had been dealing with several miscarriages. She said, "It sucks." No truer words had ever been spoken.
6. Know someone dealing with fertility issues? I always think about this. What would I say to someone who is dealing with infertility. I find that I can never think of anything clever or meaningful or helpful. Because honestly, no words are. I always come back to the same fours words: I know this sucks. This is just from personal experience but hearing "it's going to be OK" or "It will all be fine" doesn't really help. I don't say this to be mean because I know that it must be weird and uncomfortable to offer words of comfort to someone dealing with a sucky situation. What does help? Acknowledgement that it's tough. Saying that you're there for them, no matter what they need. Go out to dinner with them, invite them over for a movie night. Also respect it if they don't want to talk about.
I have never been annoyed when someone asks how it's going. At least for me, it's something that I can always talk about. Most of the time I have to remind myself that normal people don't talk about ovulating and cervical mucous. I always appreciate an opportunity to vent a little.
Of course, everyone is different and sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. I do have one additional piece of advice. Don't ever tell someone that it will happen if they just relax or to go on a vacation. Ever. You've been warned...
Final words: Every person is different and every situation is different. What works for me may not work for you. The most important thing to remember is that you aren't alone. Fertility issues come with so many different emotions and it can be difficult to navigate. When things do get tough, go back to the basics. Do something that brings you joy whether it's painting or baking or taking the dogs for a walk. Sometimes we need a reminder that life is good and that even though we may be yearning to start a family, there is still plenty to be thankful in our lives.
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