First Week on Metformin

It's been a week since our doctor's appointment and so far, so good. I've been going to the gym and have been working on meal planning. I've lost about 2 lbs this week, which I will happily take! Right now I have about 12 lbs to lose to get to where my doctor wants me to be. Bring it on!


I've been trying to snap photos of my meals so I can remember combinations and snacks that I liked. One morning I had one organic egg, half a grapefruit, a piece of cheese and a mint tea.

This morning I had a gala apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a glass of water with lemon.



I've been eating a lot of veggies.



Last night I had some baked ziti and some clam stuffed mushrooms.



Last week I had feta, tomatoes, garlic and spinach for lunch one day.



Another breakfast of eggs and half a grapefruit.



In the morning I take gummy multi-vitamins, fish oil, folic acid and a calcium/vitamin D chew.



Last week my doctor put me on metformin to help me lose weight and it's been kicking my butt... literally. She instructed me to start off with half a pill, 2 times a day and work my way up to one pill twice a day. I did half a pill the first couple of days and then got cocky and took the full dose. My stomach was not happy with me. I had some unfortunate side effects last week which caused me to run at full speed to the bathroom. That's all that I will say about that...

Other than that, it's been OK so far. The first few days I was pretty tired, but I'm not sure if that was unrelated. I wouldn't say that I'm nauseous, I'm just not hungry. Nothing sounds appealing to me and on Sunday I had to remind myself to eat lunch. This is extremely abnormal for me since I'm usually thinking about lunch while I'm eating breakfast. I love food, what can I say?

I'm hoping to be about 20 pounds lighter by my April appointment with the doctor, but we will see how it goes. It's so strange how right now I'm so focused on getting my weight down so that I can increase my chances of getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy, etc., that I keep forgetting that as a side perk, I'm also going to be getting smaller! I seriously had a moment the other day where I was like, wow, I'm going to be able to fit into my old clothes and I'll feel so much better with the weight off. It's sort of bizarre. I'm having some serious baby-making tunnel vision.

Not If, But When

Twenty four hours ago I was having a silent panic attack. I've been pretty optimistic about everything, but on Monday I started getting increasingly nervous about our appointment with the doctor. I couldn't help but worry about all of the horrible, terrible things that she found during all of our tests. It wasn't rational, but I was worried that we'd go in the office and she'd basically tell us that she couldn't help us. Every time I thought about it, it felt like I had swallowed an ice cube whole, cold fingers tightening around my heart.

Our appointment was at 12:30pm yesterday and on the drive to the office I tried to focus on the moment. One second at a time. Once I saw our doctor, I immediately felt better. We sat down and she told me that my blood work was great and that she didn't think that my left tube was blocked.  She said that it might be, but it might also be fine. My husband's results came back fine too. She said that our next step would be IVF, though we could possibly get pregnant on our own. Right now the plan is for me to lose some more weight-- I have 13 lbs to go to get to her goal for me-- and then we meet again in two months. The doctor was so optimistic that she said, "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, but just a matter of when." I could have jumped across the table to kiss her.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders after we left. I could have skipped on clouds I was so excited. It feels great to have a plan and know that this is really possible. We really could have a baby!

I'm so grateful that the appointment went as well as it did. It gave us both so much hope and I am very excited for what's to come. Again, I always feel like I'm being naive about this,  but I don't care. I'll worry and stress when I have to. Today I will be happy.

Stubborn Love

"It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all. The opposite of love's indifference"

This line from the Lumineer's song, Stubborn Love, has been my mantra lately. I remind myself that everything I feel, including the pain, the doubt, the sadness, is because I love my husband and want to start a family with him. It all comes from a place of love.

Today was... well, interesting. This morning I had to drop off a "sample" at the lab and I was running late. I frantically called the clinic to let them know and rushed to get there as quickly as I could. In my haste I ended up tapping the car in front of me when I didn't slow down fast enough for traffic. Instantly my heart jumped into my throat. Was this really happening? I looked down at the tube between my knees and thought, "This sample is going to go to waste."He is going to kill me. My guardian angel was looking out for me and the driver just waved at me and kept going. I looked at the car's rear bumper and it was fine, so I finally stopped holding my breath. A few minutes later the plastic cup and I made it to the lab in one piece. After answering a few questions and showing ID, I was on my way back home-- this time, by myself.

Deep breathe. One more thing I could check off our list of "embarrassing things that we have to do."

Later in the day I had my hair cut appointment. The last time I saw my hair dresser we had talked about how we were both not pregnant yet. We bonded over how much it sucked. A month or so ago I thought about making an appointment but I hesitated because I thought, "She must be pregnant by now." So I didn't make an appointment. Last week I couldn't stand my hair anymore so I decided I had to bite the bullet. I contemplated booking an appointment with someone else, but in the end I decided to see her. I'm loyal to my hair dressers and I wasn't about to turn my back on her because she might be pregnant. That's just craziness, right?

As I sat waiting for her I made a bet with myself. Pregnant or not pregnant? I thought to myself, "definitely pregnant," and that's when I saw her waddling over with her big ol' pregnant belly. I am honestly surprised and quite proud to say that my initial reaction was "good for you!" instead of "let me punch you in your uterus." She had struggled to get pregnant so I felt like it was one for the team. She is 35 weeks pregnant, which goes to show you that I definitely need to cut my hair more frequently.

We had a nice conversation about her nursery, her shower etc. and I told her about my adventures in baby-making. It felt good to talk to her about it and it felt good to have a conversation with a pregnant woman without wanting to gouge her eyes out. She asked me what hospital I'd be giving birth in, how many kids we wanted and gave me tips on baby registries. That in itself made my heart sing. We may not have kids yet but of course I dream about it. At a certain point it becomes taboo to ask these questions to fertility challenged couples and people stop asking you any questions. I get it-- they don't want to bring up a sore subject, but today, sitting in the chair talking about my future children-- it felt so good. She told me that next time I see her I'll be pregnant and I told her that I freakin' hope she's right.

Every time I have a day like today, a day that makes me think, Lordy someone should be recording this.... I mentally make a notch on a board. One more notch for something I survived. One more day that I chose Love. One more day that I chose to open my heart and feel joy for the people in my life and to see, really see the joy in my life. I don't want this journey to turn me into an ice queen and I will do everything I can to stay positive. I may be naive and a few months or years from now I  may look back and say "you silly, silly girl", but today I'm staying positive.

Another line from Stubborn Love that I'll have to add to my list of mantras:

"Keep your head up, my love"

Books and Paper Bags

Right now I'm in purgatory. We are just waiting to speak to the doctor to find out what our tests show and what the next step will be. I'm excited, nervous, anxious and scared. I'm hoping that we will be able to move into IVF territory but part of me is terrified that she will have some awful news for us. News like, "Oh, I'm sorry, you have no eggs or your uterus is weird or there is no way IVF or any technology will work for you." It's crazy how much my perspective has changed. If you told me a year ago that I'd be hoping to have IVF, I would have told you that you were crazy. Now I'm clinging on to the idea of it and praying that it works for us and brings us lots of healthy babies.

Since I don't have any news yet, I have been doing everything in my power to feel like I have some more control over the situation (which I don't). I have read and re-read my insurance company's policy on infertility coverage about a dozen times. I picked up two books from the library yesterday and read them both already. The more information that I have, the better I feel.

This morning before work I stopped by the clinic to pick up a "Semen Analysis Kit", aka a plastic cup in a paper bag. I had envisioned the kit to be in some sleek white box or some other professional looking container. What I was not expecting was the receptionist handing me a folded over paper bag like I was picking up illicit drugs or vodka nips. I got to the car and opened up the paper bag to see a plastic cup and a piece of paper with instructions. I unfolded the paper, half hoping that it had something humorous on it like "Have a good time buddy!" or a pornographic stick drawing. To my disappointment, it just had a list of instructions, including a note that we have to keep the sample at body temperature on the drive by either keeping the tube between our legs or in your armpit. I lost my sh*t and started to laugh.

I have the humor of a 13 year old boy.

In one week and one day we will have answers and I cannot freaking wait. I think... unless it's bad news and then I don't want to hear it.