It's official- my medications are ordered. They will be arriving this Tuesday and I am so excited. This shipment has way less than the one for my IVF cycle. I'm only getting estrace, progesterone and doxycycline. This Wednesday I will take my last BCP and then I'll wait for my period.
Let's get this show on the road!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Skeletons In My Closet (or E-mail folder)
When I first found out I was pregnant in 2011, I signed up for all of those weekly pregnancy newsletters. After realizing that the pregnancy was not going to result in a baby, I unsubscribed from all of them. Which, I might add, just might be one of the most depressing tasks ever. I had unsubcribed from "BabyCenter" newsletters but they had kept coming. Every time I saw those email subjects like, "8 ways to beat morning sickness!," it was like a kick in the gut (my very unpregnant gut). I finally created a filter in my gmail account to relegate those emails to some deep dark folder in my archived mail.
I forgot that the folder even existed until today. I clicked on it accidentally as I was organizing some folders and then I saw it. An email from yesterday that said, "Your 12 month Old: Week 4." Only, I don't have a 12 month old. I just stared at it for a minute and blinked.
It didn't make me sad, I actually got angry. Damn you BabyCenter for having a shitastic unsubscribing feature and screw you for sending me emails for the last two years about the baby that never was. I immediately scrolled down to unsubscribe and then went to the website to make sure that this was the last time I had to do this. Just to add insult to injury, I had to edit "My Family", which meant deleting the child they had listed as being born on 5/25/12. Um, I'm pretty sure I didn't squeeze a kid out of my vagina 13 months ago. I'd like to think that I'd remember that.
After deleting the imaginary baby, a pop up on the screen said that they were sorry for my loss. Thanks. Now go sit on a tack.
Oh, and no hard feelings BabyCenter. When I do get pregnant, I will be subscribing to your newsletters again. And the next time I get a "Your 12 Month Old" email, you better believe that I'll be a proud (and possibly very tired) Mama to an active toddler.
I forgot that the folder even existed until today. I clicked on it accidentally as I was organizing some folders and then I saw it. An email from yesterday that said, "Your 12 month Old: Week 4." Only, I don't have a 12 month old. I just stared at it for a minute and blinked.
It didn't make me sad, I actually got angry. Damn you BabyCenter for having a shitastic unsubscribing feature and screw you for sending me emails for the last two years about the baby that never was. I immediately scrolled down to unsubscribe and then went to the website to make sure that this was the last time I had to do this. Just to add insult to injury, I had to edit "My Family", which meant deleting the child they had listed as being born on 5/25/12. Um, I'm pretty sure I didn't squeeze a kid out of my vagina 13 months ago. I'd like to think that I'd remember that.
After deleting the imaginary baby, a pop up on the screen said that they were sorry for my loss. Thanks. Now go sit on a tack.
Oh, and no hard feelings BabyCenter. When I do get pregnant, I will be subscribing to your newsletters again. And the next time I get a "Your 12 Month Old" email, you better believe that I'll be a proud (and possibly very tired) Mama to an active toddler.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Living
Last week I made a list of things that I wanted to do this Summer. My goal was to have things to plan and look forward to that don't involve the 4 letter word (B-A-B-Y).
So far I have been knocking stuff off the list, including: going to get ice cream at a well known farm, making homemade lemonade, going to the beach and eating at a clam shack.
Yesterday was a perfect Summer day.
The beach was absolutely gorgeous and I just sat in the sand and let every detail sink in. The deep blue color of the sky, the warm wind off of the ocean, the spicy smell of the flowers that grow near the beach, the fine sand between my toes, the way the grass on the dunes swayed, the salty ocean breeze, the warmth of the sun and the sound of the waves. I stared out at the horizon and it felt good to feel small. It can be exhausting to constantly be thinking about this VERY LARGE thing-- having kids-- and it's nice to get some perspective. Despite our trials, the Earth still spins, the sun still rises and sets and the oceans still roar.
After the beach we went to a retro clam shack that I fell in love with immediately. I ordered the clam strip and fries combo and we sat outside at a picnic table assessing our tans and sharing onion rings and lemonade. Once I got home I enjoyed one of my all time favorite rituals-- the post beach trip shower. I got out of the shower, freshly cleaned, just in time to enjoy one of the other reasons Summer rocks-- thunderstorms.
Lenny and I watched the sky turn dark and then glow green before the sky opened up. I love feeling the thunder through the windows as the house shakes. I love seeing the rain pounding the pavement and creating rivers in mere minutes. After the rain passed I had a glass of homemade lemonade and I thought to myself, "Today was good." It's days like yesterday that feed my soul and remind me why I want to bring new life into this world. The world is ugly and beautiful and messy and wonderful all at the same time.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Grateful
When I first started reading up on IVF I came across a lot of entries and blogs about the horrible things that await you-- the injections, the side effects, etc. I can honestly say that my first IVF cycle was really not that bad. I didn't mind the injections, the meds, the monitoring. I didn't have many side effects and I was lucky that everything went well. Oh, except that I didn't get pregnant.
What I do find difficult is all of the waiting. We have another month or so before our FET and once again we are in limbo. I am trying to count my blessings, live in the now and enjoy every day instead of counting down the day but it's HARD. I keep looking at the date and I think, "Is it really still June???" I am very positive about the FET cycle and then today I had a thought.
What if it doesn't work?
We will keep going and trying-- most likely we will still have frozen embryos and then if THAT doesn't work, another fresh IVF cycle.
The actual process doesn't bother me. The waiting sucks the life out of me. Our next FET would probably be in September.... and then if that doesn't work? Our second IVF would be in November or December? I know that I'm getting ahead of myself (and hopefully I'll be knocked up by the middle of August), but WHAT IF.
I keep thinking that it will work but it's entirely possible that this round won't work and the next one won't. I see page after page in these infertility forums of women who did 2, 3, 4 rounds of IVF before getting their baby.
How much can I take? How much can we take?
I guess we will know when it's been enough. We are still in the beginning and I hope that we will be a "happy ending." I hope that next Father's day my husband will have a baby in his arms, but I'm not sure. I guess that's the point. None of us know. That's where faith comes in and trusting God or the universe or whatever you believe in that things will turn out OK, even if it's not how you pictured it.
I have to work on letting go. Letting go of this idea of what my life should look like. I thought by now I'd have one kid and another on the way. I don't. And I'm still alive.
I still enjoy my life, I still have SO much to be grateful for. I come home to my best friend every day and have experienced a love that I thought only existed in books or fairy tales. I have my family. I have my health. We have hope and possibility.
We drove to an ice cream stand on Saturday night and sat on the wooden gate while we slowly worked on our drippy cones. We people watched as we sat there as the Summer night grew around us. I thought about how I hope in a year or so I would think back to moments like this and feel nostalgic. Think about how nice it was that we could just think about ourselves and lay in bed all day if we felt like it. I hope that we are lucky enough to think about the "old days" when it was just the two of us.
I pray.
What I do find difficult is all of the waiting. We have another month or so before our FET and once again we are in limbo. I am trying to count my blessings, live in the now and enjoy every day instead of counting down the day but it's HARD. I keep looking at the date and I think, "Is it really still June???" I am very positive about the FET cycle and then today I had a thought.
What if it doesn't work?
We will keep going and trying-- most likely we will still have frozen embryos and then if THAT doesn't work, another fresh IVF cycle.
The actual process doesn't bother me. The waiting sucks the life out of me. Our next FET would probably be in September.... and then if that doesn't work? Our second IVF would be in November or December? I know that I'm getting ahead of myself (and hopefully I'll be knocked up by the middle of August), but WHAT IF.
I keep thinking that it will work but it's entirely possible that this round won't work and the next one won't. I see page after page in these infertility forums of women who did 2, 3, 4 rounds of IVF before getting their baby.
How much can I take? How much can we take?
I guess we will know when it's been enough. We are still in the beginning and I hope that we will be a "happy ending." I hope that next Father's day my husband will have a baby in his arms, but I'm not sure. I guess that's the point. None of us know. That's where faith comes in and trusting God or the universe or whatever you believe in that things will turn out OK, even if it's not how you pictured it.
I have to work on letting go. Letting go of this idea of what my life should look like. I thought by now I'd have one kid and another on the way. I don't. And I'm still alive.
I still enjoy my life, I still have SO much to be grateful for. I come home to my best friend every day and have experienced a love that I thought only existed in books or fairy tales. I have my family. I have my health. We have hope and possibility.
We drove to an ice cream stand on Saturday night and sat on the wooden gate while we slowly worked on our drippy cones. We people watched as we sat there as the Summer night grew around us. I thought about how I hope in a year or so I would think back to moments like this and feel nostalgic. Think about how nice it was that we could just think about ourselves and lay in bed all day if we felt like it. I hope that we are lucky enough to think about the "old days" when it was just the two of us.
I pray.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
FET Protocol
This past Thursday we met with our doctor to discuss our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We chatted for a bit and she told us that my last cycle was perfect.... expect that we didn't get a baby out of it. She told us that we have good embryos left and is hopeful that we will be successful.
Initially the doctor told me to call when I get my period next. My cycles are so irregular that I knew that I'd be a disaster if I just had to wait for it and possibly be waiting for 40+ days. Thankfully she said that she will put me on birth control pills so we can plan everything better.
FET Protocol:
Initially the doctor told me to call when I get my period next. My cycles are so irregular that I knew that I'd be a disaster if I just had to wait for it and possibly be waiting for 40+ days. Thankfully she said that she will put me on birth control pills so we can plan everything better.
FET Protocol:
- Take BCP for 3 weeks, last pill will be 7/3
- Call with Cycle Day 1 (approximately 7/6)
- U/S and labwork on Cycle Day 2
- If everything looks OK, start estrogen
- U/S after about 12 days of estrogen to check lining (approximately 7/21)
- If the lining is 8mm or above, start progesterone + doxy
- If the lining is less than 8mm, continue estrogen and recheck U/S in a few days
- Transfer 6 days after starting progesterone (approximately 7/27)
- Pregnancy test 10 days after transfer (approximately 8/6)
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Looking Forward
Almost a week ago we found out that we were not pregnant from our first IVF cycle. In two days we will meet with the doctor to discuss our frozen embryo transfer (FET). I think that I've moved through all of the stages of grief in the last 6 days-- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and now acceptance. Now I'm excited about the FET and hope that we will get a healthy baby from it.
It still feels like we are in the middle of something exciting. In a few months we will be able to transfer our little embryo(s) and we will have the opportunity to bring life into this world again.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Day After
I'm definitely feeling better today. I can't believe that yesterday morning we were still hoping that we were pregnant. It feels like that was 200 lifetimes ago. It seems like it was all a dream and now I'm back to reality-- a place where I am always waiting for the next step, waiting to be pregnant.
We are meeting with the doctor in a week to discuss. I am not sure what the calendar looks like for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) but I am hoping that it's quick. I want to move as quickly as possible.
Right now my plan is:
We are meeting with the doctor in a week to discuss. I am not sure what the calendar looks like for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) but I am hoping that it's quick. I want to move as quickly as possible.
Right now my plan is:
- Continue to lose weight.
- Do yoga.
- Make some acupuncture appointments.
- Continue all of my vitamins.
- Stay positive.
Bad News
I got the call around 10:30AM yesterday. I was on the phone at work and I saw my cell phone ringing. I almost hung up on the client because I was so anxious to answer the phone and get the news. My heart was pounding so loudly and I instantly felt sick. I ran outside to call the clinic back.
The receptionist said, "It looks like the doctor was trying to reach you." The short version is that I am not pregnant. My HCG was at a 2, so the doctor thinks that maybe something started to implant and then stopped, possibly because it was abnormal. The doctor said that 60% of day 5 blastocysts are normal which means that 40% are abnormal. She told me that she knew we had great things ahead of us, that it just wasn't "the one" and that today was a day for indulgences.
I tried to keep it together while I was speaking to her. She told me to call her when I was ready to discuss the next step. I said, "You might think that I'm crazy but I'm ready now." More like, I was ready yesterday. I want to be a Mom.
Calling Lenny was tough. Really, really tough. As much as it hurts me to go through this, what hurts me more is the fact that Lenny has to go through this. I want to make him a Dad and give him that joy more than anything. The guilt that I feel can be absolutely overwhelming. I cried on the phone with him and had trouble calming myself down. It was awful.
Being the awesome husband that he is, he told me he was taking me out to dinner. I had hoped this would be a celebratory dinner but instead it was a drink some wine and let's be sad together dinner.
By the time we got home from dinner (7:30PM) I was exhausted. Just physically and emotionally done. My face hurt from crying and as much as I wanted to hang out for a bit and just be near Lenny, I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours.
It was a tough day but I still believe that we will have our babies. Someday.
The receptionist said, "It looks like the doctor was trying to reach you." The short version is that I am not pregnant. My HCG was at a 2, so the doctor thinks that maybe something started to implant and then stopped, possibly because it was abnormal. The doctor said that 60% of day 5 blastocysts are normal which means that 40% are abnormal. She told me that she knew we had great things ahead of us, that it just wasn't "the one" and that today was a day for indulgences.
I tried to keep it together while I was speaking to her. She told me to call her when I was ready to discuss the next step. I said, "You might think that I'm crazy but I'm ready now." More like, I was ready yesterday. I want to be a Mom.
Calling Lenny was tough. Really, really tough. As much as it hurts me to go through this, what hurts me more is the fact that Lenny has to go through this. I want to make him a Dad and give him that joy more than anything. The guilt that I feel can be absolutely overwhelming. I cried on the phone with him and had trouble calming myself down. It was awful.
Being the awesome husband that he is, he told me he was taking me out to dinner. I had hoped this would be a celebratory dinner but instead it was a drink some wine and let's be sad together dinner.
By the time we got home from dinner (7:30PM) I was exhausted. Just physically and emotionally done. My face hurt from crying and as much as I wanted to hang out for a bit and just be near Lenny, I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours.
It was a tough day but I still believe that we will have our babies. Someday.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
IVF #1 10DP5DT: Beta Day
This morning I went in to get my blood taken for a pregnancy test. I'm freaking out. I'm numb. I don't know how I'm going to survive this wait. I'm not sure how I'm going to break the news (if it's bad) to Lenny. I might vomit.
They should be calling me with the results sometime today. I hope sooner rather than later.
They should be calling me with the results sometime today. I hope sooner rather than later.
IVF #1 3DP5DT - 9DP5DT
There is really no way to explain the absolute hell that is the "two week wait" after an embryo transfer. I really didn't understand what could be so bad about it. I mean, it should be exciting! You made it this far, you have an embryo in you... you just have to wait.
Ha.
It has been such an emotional roller coaster. I went from the lowest low where I'd cry and be sure that this did NOT work to being on such a high because I "just knew" that I was pregnant. Up, down, up, down. I felt out of control of my emotions and the twisted part is that your body is playing all sorts of tricks on you because you are doped up on estrogen and progesterone. Dizziness, sore boobs, headaches, hot flashes... everything that points to pregnancy except that you can't believe a damn thing.
You are between two huge extremes. You are either going to get the absolute most amazing, life changing, joyous news in the world OR you are going to deal with another blow, another set back, more tears. The difference between the two outcomes is staggering.
I think that days 3-5 post transfer were the hardest for me. The closer I get to beta day the calmer I get. What is done is done.
Now we wait and pray.
Ha.
It has been such an emotional roller coaster. I went from the lowest low where I'd cry and be sure that this did NOT work to being on such a high because I "just knew" that I was pregnant. Up, down, up, down. I felt out of control of my emotions and the twisted part is that your body is playing all sorts of tricks on you because you are doped up on estrogen and progesterone. Dizziness, sore boobs, headaches, hot flashes... everything that points to pregnancy except that you can't believe a damn thing.
You are between two huge extremes. You are either going to get the absolute most amazing, life changing, joyous news in the world OR you are going to deal with another blow, another set back, more tears. The difference between the two outcomes is staggering.
I think that days 3-5 post transfer were the hardest for me. The closer I get to beta day the calmer I get. What is done is done.
Now we wait and pray.
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