6 Weeks 1 Day: Heartbeats!!!!!

Wow.

It's crazy how quickly things change.

This morning I couldn't eat breakfast because I was so nervous about the ultrasound. I left work at 8:30AM to head to the clinic and Lenny called me. He sounded cheerful and excited and I told him that I was so nervous that I was going to vomit. We met in the parking lot of the fertility clinic and I can say that I have never been so nervous in my life.

We went in and the nurse brought us into a room and asked me to get undressed. The door opened and I saw that it was my favorite technician! She is the same one who did the ultrasound when my lining bumped up to 8.1mm and she was the technician that was with us during our transfer. I was so happy to see her-- she is our lucky charm.

When she started the ultrasound I couldn't look at the screen. I closed my eyes and held Lenny's hand. That's when I heard her say, "I see two sacs." My eyes flew open and I could see two dark ovals on the screen. OMG. But I knew that sacs can be empty. A few seconds later she said zoomed in on Baby A and she said, "I see a yolk sac... wait, I see a heartbeat." She asked if we could see it and all that I could do was nod. There on the screen was this tiny little flickering spot-- one of my baby's tiny beating heart. My mind was blown. Tears started to roll down my cheeks and I squeezed Lenny's hand so hard.

The technician said that she'd try to get the heart rate and asked me to hold my breath. She did it twice and said that Baby's A heartbeat was at 112bpm, which was great. I was smiling from ear to ear. Next she moved over to Baby B and she said that because it was farther from the cervix, she couldn't see much. After moving the ultrasound probe around she said, "I see something.... Another heartbeat!" My heart could have exploded.

She had me hold my breath again and Baby's B heartbeat was 109bpm, which she said is great too. Both  babies were measuring at 5 weeks 6 days, which is 2 days behind where I thought I was, but she said that it wasn't anything to worry about. After she was done she printed out the ultrasound pictures for us and it was a HUGE moment for me. For so long I really didn't know if I'd ever be able to experience this joy. I didn't know if I'd ever see my child's beating heart or be able to see our little ones growing in me. And now, here we were with two heartbeats and pictures of our little beans.

I can say that I was honestly in shock a bit. We knew that twins were possible and our hcg numbers were pretty high, but for some reason I really didn't think that we'd have twins. We joked about it all the time, but holy crap, things get very real very fast. Doctor V popped in  her head to say congrats and she told me that I could stop the estrogen injections and that she'd have her team order me progesterone suppositories so I can stop my progesterone injections.

They took us into a room and gave us a release paper to sign. I asked, "So now I just see my OB?" They said, yes-- you are finished with us! Such a crazy journey. Nine months ago we had our very first appointment with Dr. V and she said that she'd get me pregnant. I remember being so skeptical and she said, "I will have to prove it to you." And she did. I know that we are not out of the woods yet but seeing two heartbeats was incredibly encouraging.

I called my OB and made an appointment for September 10th. I'm not sure what to expect-- I don't think that she'd do an ultrasound again, but that would be fantastic. All I know is that I have about a million questions for her about twin pregnancy.

Holy crap. We are having twins!

6 Weeks 0 Days: Red Spotting

This morning when I got to work I had a little bit of an achy feeling low down in my uterus (which scared the crap out of me because it reminded me of when I thought I had a miscarriage in 2011). I went to the bathroom and saw red blood.

Immediately I thought, "Here we go." I called the fertility clinic and they told me to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound. They said that it would be a little early but that hopefully they'd be able to see something. They told me to call if I had cramping or heavy bleeding.

It was hard for me to concentrate at work because I was so incredibly worried. I kept going to the bathroom to check and fortunately I had no more red bleeding the rest of the day-- just pink spotting and by the end of the day, brown spotting.

Lenny wasn't very worried (always the optimist) and said that everything would be fine. I barely ate all day long and I just have this pit in my stomach. Tomorrow we will know. Part of me is excited because we MIGHT see a heartbeat, but then the other part of me is horrified because there might be nothing. Only a few more hours... 

5 Weeks

How far along? 5 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? According to my books, baby is the size of a sesame seed!

Total weight gain/loss: No idea, but I'd guess that my weight is the same.

Maternity clothes? No. 

Sleep: I'm sleeping like a rock. I fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. This helps make up for getting up 2-3 times a night to pee.

Best moment this week: Finding out that the third beta was nice and strong.

Movement: No.

Food cravings: Orange juice.

Food Aversions: Randomly- peanut butter. Yuck.

Gender: No idea.

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Tired all.of.the.time. Getting up to go to the bathroom during the night, sore breasts. Did I mention tired?

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Absolutely nothing.

What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound.

Upcoming appointments/events:  Our ultrasound on September 13th.

Milestones: Hopefully baby's heart is beating right now!

Bump Picture: There isn't a bump yet-- just a bit of bloating.

FET # 1: Third Beta- 11,930

Guys.

How is it going?

Today I am 5 Weeks 3 days pregnant. I still feel like it hasn't really hit me.

I had a fabulous week away in Cape Cod and got back home yesterday. It was amazing. Tons of seafood, beach, sunny weather, bbq, family time, snuggling with little girls, ice cream and adventures. Pure heaven.

Except there was always this nagging feeling of uncertainty following me around like a dark cloud. Last Saturday my blood work came back great so I felt confident. By Sunday morning I felt like my symptoms had decreased. I started to freak out. By Wednesday I was starting to feel a little dizzy again so I felt better. I honestly tried not to think about it too often (sorry baby) because it was making me crazy.

This morning I had labwork again and I felt pretty confident again. They usually send me an email around 11AM so when 11AM came and went and then 12PM came and went my mind went to worst case scenario.

My thoughts raced. They are waiting for a doctor to call me with bad news. My number went down. I've lost the baby. Sheer. Panic.

At 12:47PM I got an email. I feverishly logged in and saw the beautiful words: Your pregnancy test came back at 11930. This is another very good number.

DEEP
BREATH

My ultra sound is scheduled for Friday, September 13th. I will be 8 weeks, 2 days. I was really thinking/hoping that I'd have an ultrasound next week but it looks like I'm going to have to sweat it out for 3 more weeks.

I have to stop with my dark storm cloud. I am pregnant. All signs so far have been positive. I am currently growing a little life and I should be enjoying it. I can't control anything and my worrying is not going to change anything. It's just so hard to let go of the fear when you have wished and prayed for something for years and now it's sitting in your lap. I am afraid to get "too excited" until I know that it will be OK. But will I ever really know that? I'm sure every Mom will say that the worry NEVER stops. Even when your kids are in their 30s or 40s or 50s. That's part of the job description.

I have been too afraid to take pictures or write in pregnancy journals or sign up for any pregnancy newsletters. But do I want to live like this? If something God-forbid happens to this child, will I feel better because I didn't receive a weekly newsletter? Will a loss be harder because I wrote in a journal about becoming a Mom? I doubt it.

I might as well embrace this now because now is all that we have.

FET #1: Second Beta- 1,184

This morning I went in for labwork and my hcg is at 1184! My doctor is very happy with this number. I go back in a week to have my hcg checked again and then hopefully, if everything is still going well we will schedule an ultrasound.

I still can't believe that I'm really pregnant. Until I see that heartbeat(s), I just don't think that it will feel like it's really happening.

Today I am 4 weeks 3 days pregnant and I am one happy girl. :)

FET #1: First Beta- 500!!!!

Holy cow.

I'm pregnant, like for real pregnant.

My doctor called yesterday a little after 11AM to let me know that my hcg came back at 500! She said that she wasn't sure if there is one baby in there or two!

Holy crap.

I might be having twins.

I called Lenny right after and it was the happiest call that I've ever made. "Babe, you might want to sit down..."

After work we went out to eat dinner and do some shopping for our Cape Cod trip. By 7pm I was ready to face plant in my bed I was so tired.

I go back for blood work tomorrow and then an ultrasound will be scheduled some time for week 6.

Somebody pinch me.

FET # 1: Beta Day, Still Waiting for a Call

It's 10:41AM

I am having heart palpitations.

Someone needs to call me ASAP.

Before I drop

d
e
a
d

FET #1: 4 Weeks? and Beta day

Yesterday was another tough day mentally.

I had some cramping later in the day and the tiniest bit of brown discharge. My brain went to the worst case scenario-- the pregnancy isn't going to be viable, I'm having a very early miscarriage and this round will end up being a chemical pregnancy. Throw in less sore boobs and my sky was falling.

I woke up this morning bright and early to make it to the clinic by 6:30AM to get my blood drawn. I stopped at a 24 hour CVS to pick up a pregnancy test because apparently, I am that woman.

I got my blood drawn and I was the first person to be seen today. The technician drew my blood in one try and said, "today is going to be a good day." I will take this as a good sign.

When I got to work I took the pregnancy test and as soon as my urine hit the test, I could see the line forming. Within seconds I could see the plus sign. A hesitant sigh of relief.

My boobs are sore again today and I have that pulsing headache that I had when I was pregnant two years ago. I am praying and hoping that the number from today's beta will be a nice strong one. My heart can't handle losing this baby or babies.

And so we wait.

FET #1: 8DP5DT BFP!

This morning I slept in later than normal. I just felt so t-i-r-e-d. I chalked it up to emotional roller coaster that the two week wait is.

I turned on the TV and it was  randomly on the country music station. I made myself some breakfast and sat down on the couch. A song by Randy Houser came on called Runnin' Outta Moonlight and as I sat eating my honey dew melon, I watched the video. In the video a young couple is out taking a moonlight drive and I started thinking about when Lenny and I first met and how magical those first few months of dating were and before I knew it, I was crying. Legitimately crying at 7:30 in the morning over a music video.

An hour later I was watching CNN and they played a clip about people helping others. In one clip this guy was riding his bicycle and  he saw an elderly man walking alone on a busy street. He stopped and helped the man (who was blind) over to the sidewalk. OMG. I was in hysterics.  How sweet, how wonderful, he (sob) saved (sob) that (sob) old blind man (deep breath and more sobbing).

A light bulb went off. Holy sh*t I'm pregnant! Either that or I've officially lost my mind. I push the thought aside. There is no way... that awful cramping yesterday... no way.

I continue on with my day and start cleaning the house. I find that I'm getting clammy and really really hot, so I kept taking breaks. Holy sh*t I'm pregnant I think again. I push it away.

After lunch I decide that I want a small bowl of ice cream (don't judge, it is the summer after all). After eating it all I could feel was  this weird coating in my mouth. I drink two glasses of water to get rid of it. I think, you are pregnant you dummy. No way.

At that point I decided that I had to know.

I drove to the dollar store and ran to the "beauty" aisle and went straight to the section where the pregnancy tests are. What can I say? I've done this before. My eyes scanned the wall. Ovulation prediction kits, condoms, a urinary tract infection test (they have those??), but no pregnancy tests. WTF.

I refused to give up. I walked up to the register and see a couple of boxes. Jack pot. I bought one single pregnancy test and ran back to the car.

On the drive home I chatted with myself.

You aren't really going to do this, are you?

Sure as hell I am.

What if it's negative?

I'll tell myself that it's just because it's not first morning urine.

This could be a very, very bad idea. 

I got home and made a beeline to the bathroom. I was so nervous. Literally shaking. This was it. I hit the 2 minute countdown on my phone and walked out of the bathroom into our bedroom. I got on my knees and prayed. After about a minute I went back in to the bathroom and glanced at the test. Nothing.

I told myself that we'd be fine, we'd just try again as soon as we could. We'd be fine.

I paused and looked at the test again. Wait, that's a line. That's a freaking line.

Before my eyes I watched as the line went from a faint shadow to an unmistakable pink line. HOLY CRAP!

Immediately I started screaming, which caused my dogs to start jumping around the bathroom with me. I did a really embarrassing dance of victory and then proceeded to stare at the test for I don't know, 3 hours. WE ARE PREGNANT.

I am pregnant.

Tomorrow I will be exactly 4 weeks pregnant.

Everything has changed. My heart couldn't be more full right now.

FET #1`: 7DP5DT

Yesterday was not a good day. For most of the day I was having mild cramps on and off like I have been having. Around 3PM my cramps got intense. Like, stop in your tracks intense.

I called the clinic and they said that cramping can be normal and advised that I could take Tylenol. On the drive home from work I kept getting this tightening feeling in my uterus. When I got home from work around 4:30PM I went to the bathroom and saw the tiniest bit of pinkish discharge. My heart sank to the floor. I thought, "This is it." I kept waiting for the blood to come, but after numerous trips to the bathroom last night, not a single trace of blood.

This morning my uterus is quiet-- I haven't had any cramps yet and I hope that they are gone. While I'm not feeling very good about this cycle right now, there is that small voice of hope in my head. I keep thinking that MAYBE, maybe, the cramping was just my baby (or babies!) making room in there. I've read so many stories online of women who thought AF was coming and ended up being pregnant. I pray that is how this story turns out.

For now I'm trying to lay low and drink lots of water. I hope that I make it two more days to test day.

FET #1: 6DP5DT

Yesterday was more of the same. Some cramping on and off that is putting me in a very bad mood. I had my second breakdown of this two week wait. One of those embarrassing, "why me, why us, why, why why" breakdowns. The one difference was that last night my chest became very sensitive. I sleep on my stomach usually, but last night it was too painful so I ended up sleeping on my side. Also, I have been very thirsty but that could be from anything.

I'm emotionally exhausted at this point and VERY ready for it to be Thursday already. If I could fast forward the next days, I would. Again, I just feel like I would know at this point if I was pregnant. I'm hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised. I'm bracing myself for bad news though.

Symptoms: tired (took an hour nap), sore breasts/nipples, cramping, thirsty

FET #1: 5DP5DT

I can't believe that I made it to day 5 without the serious Crazy showing up.

Today started innocently enough. I wasn't having any cramping and I was feeling pretty good. I took a break at work and when I came back to my desk and sat down, immediately I smelled cigarettes. It was so strong it was like there was an ashtray under my nose. I got up from my desk and started walking around asking my confused coworkers, "Did anyone just smoke?" One of my coworkers looked at me like I was nuts (I am) and said that she had just gotten back in from smoking. 

I sat back down at my desk almost giddy. Holy crap, is this the heightened sense of smell a sign that I'm pregnant!? I must be pregnant. I sent my husband an email that said, "I'm pretty sure that one or two of these buddies stuck."

Fast forward to about 3:30PM and this roller coaster ride took a nose dive. I started getting cramps when I stood up. It only happened when I went from sitting to standing and it would last 3-5 seconds. I got these same cramps during my first IVF cycle and we know that was a BFN. My heart sank. 

A few hours later, the tears came. This whole process is just so overwhelming and emotional. I want this to work SO badly and there is nothing that I can do at this point. I'm either pregnant or I'm not. Black and white. 

I don't know how people do this 4, 5, 6 times... it is draining beyond words. At this point I just want to know one way or another so I can move on. My husband wants us to wait until our official test date, which is Thursday the 15th, but I don't know if I can make it until then. We go on vacation next week and while I'm excited about it, I know that it's going to be incredibly hard to be there while dealing with a failed second try. 

Again, we wait.

Symptoms: cramping when going from sitting to standing, extra hungry, slightly heavy/sore breasts, tired (I took a nap when I got home from work)

FET #1: 4DP5DT

Today was pretty quiet symptom wise. I had a few cramps and had two stabbing pains during the day. A weird thing started happening where I'd get crampy when I would stand up from a seated position. Is this bad news? Good news? Who knows.

As the days pass, I get more doubtful that it worked. Wouldn't I know by now? Just have a gut feeling? Have insanely painful breasts or be dead tired? I'm beginning to think that this cycle will be a failure, but at the same time I just can't think about that option.

I don't know how I will handle transferring two beautiful embryos and having none stick. It would be tragic.

For now, I soldier on. Six more days until we know.

Symptoms: cramps, shooting pains (twice), white discharge, slightly sore/heavy breasts, headache

FET #1: 3DP5DT

Hello! We are one day closer to beta day, woohoo!

Here are some of my symptoms. Last night my boobs were very, very sore. I didn't sleep well at all, but by the time I woke up my breasts didn't seem as sore. I'm thinking that it's just the hormones talking. I was really tired so I went to sleep earlier than normal.

Today the lightheaded feeling has returned and I'm starting to have a sore chest again. I ran outside to make a quick call and as soon as I got outside, I felt dizzy. I am HOPING that this is a good sign.

I'm having the same sort of uterus "pings" today. Not quite cramps, but sometimes it feels like a throb, sometimes it's just a pinch, sometimes it just feels like something is going on in there. Again, I might just be going crazy.

Symptoms: twinges, cramps, dizzy, sore breasts

FET #1: 2DP5DT

There isn't much to report today. I've had a headache all day and have just been feeling "off". I am probably reading too much into everything, but it has me feeling pretty good about this. I would say that I am still having slight twinges, but that are pretty infrequent. I am actually hoping for some stronger ones that might mean implantation. My boobs are also a little sore, but that could be from my estrogen shot last night.

Yeah. So basically all of this could mean nothing and until I get my blood drawn in 8 days,  it's anyone's guess. STICK BABIES STICK!

Symptoms: slight twinges, very slightly sore breasts

FET #1: 1DP5DT

There isn't much to report today. I have been having on and off twinges in my uterus today. I wouldn't call it cramping and it hasn't been very consistent. According to what I have read online the embryos are hatching today (so cute, little chickies!) so I don't think that any twinges would be related to that.

I have to say that so far my attitude has been positive. It feels better to know that we have two in there. Maybe this is just me being crazy, but I like that they aren't alone in there. I like the whole buddy system thing.

One day down, nine to go. Babies, I hope that you are busy hatching away. Settle in my loves!

Symptoms: on and off slight twinges

FET #1: Transfer Day!

Today was a perfect day.

I woke up at 7:30AM after admitting to myself that I was just too excited to sleep any longer. I let the dogs outside and stood in my kitchen. The early morning light was filtering through the window and I could tell that it was going to be a beautiful day. I stepped out on to my porch into the cool morning air and walked in the dewy grass so that I could watch the trees sway in the light breeze. I took a few photos and just let it seep in: Today is the day.

I did routine morning things. Made breakfast, brushed my teeth, fed the dogs, put my contacts in. I did un-routine things like take extra time to straighten my hair and put a little bit more makeup on. In a way I felt like I had to look my best because it was such a special day. I downloaded my meditations and some feel-good songs on to my phone to help me through the 10 day wait. I got dressed. Put on my St. Gerard medallion.Took a deep breath.

We still had some time before we had to leave for the clinic so I looked through my emails. I got the first email in a 21-day meditation challenge. The centering thought of the day was: Today I am open to the presence of miracles.

I blinked. What a perfect centering thought for today.

We stopped at the library before heading to the clinic so I could pick up the books that I had put on hold. One of the books was Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. I turned to today's meditation and under August 5th the title of the meditation was Respect Life and it included the sentences "take time to remember that all life is sacred" and " With all its trials, tests, worries, heartaches, and sometimes heartbreaks, life is a gift." Another tailor made message for us on this day.

After we got settled into the room, the nurse came in to check my bladder. When the door opened and my favorite nurse walked in, I smiled. Another good sign.The doctor came in a few minutes later to let us know that two blastocysts had thawed back to 100% and that we still had three left.

It all happened so fast and before we knew it, it was over. The doctor said that everything was "textbook" and that he hoped that this time ends up different than last time. We waited for 10 minutes and then I was allowed to leave.

I went home, made myself lunch and sat in the backyard while I read by books. I know that in ten days we will know if this was successful or not, but today was full of great omens so I'm feeling positive. Anything is possible but I'm going to keep my chin up.

Right now, I have two perfect bundles in me, just ready to bloom. Now we wait and keep the faith.

FET #1 Cycle Day I Can't Even Keep Track Anymore

I am so excited that I might explode. Only two more days and it's transfer day! I don't know why, but this time around feels different. I don't know if it's because I thought that this cycle was going to be cancelled, or if it's just the less stress that comes with a FET cycle, but I'm feeling really good.

I also think that since we haven't told anyone about this cycle, my excitement is out of control. Sometimes I get the urge to just tell someone, anyone, including the woman next to me at the check out line at the super market or the telemarketer that calls the house. I haven't actually blurted this news out to anyone yet, but the thought has been there.

It's just a miracle to think that in a little over 48 hours, my future child(ren) may become a reality. It's an overwhelming feeling really and it's the sort of feeling that I like to linger in like a cozy blanket. I'm so grateful that we are even at this point. Grateful that my body produced 14 follicles a few months ago, grateful that 13 of them were mature, grateful that we ended up with six embryos, grateful that we were able to freeze five, grateful that I live in a state that requires infertility coverage, grateful for my supportive husband, grateful that I'm alive, grateful that I live 25 minutes from a clinic and doctor that I love, grateful that the estrogen injections worked and allowed me to continue this cycle.  So full of gratitude for everything that brought us to this point.

Infertility is hard, and hard in ways that you can't even anticipate. On some days I don't think about it much and then on other days the pain bubbles up to the surface. Strange things can trigger sadness or anger or bitterness, and it's difficult to predict those emotions. Then there are the times when I'm thankful for having to take this road. It has made my relationship with my husband stronger, it's made me stronger and I know that one day when I am holding our baby in our arms, that moment will be sweeter than anything that I have ever dreamed of.

I am going to enjoy the next couple of days, relishing in the fact that come Monday morning, I will be a little closer to making my dreams come true.