23 Weeks

How far along? 23 Weeks 6 Days

How big is baby? Babies are about 11.5 inches long 

Total weight gain/loss: Definitely up! 

Maternity clothes? Yes. At my doctor's appointment on 12/30 by belly was measuring 30 weeks!

Sleep: Not bad.

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeats and feeling stronger movement and kicks.

Movement: Getting strong every day. On 12/29 I got nervous because I realized I hadn't felt them in a while so I tried everything to wake them up. I had a glass of iced cold seltzer and must have startled them because they went nuts!

Food cravings: flavored seltzer.

Food Aversions: None this week. 

Gender: Two baby girls! 

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: Swollen feet! I need new shoes because nothing is comfortable any more. 

Belly Button in or out? Stretching more. Still in though. 

What I miss: Nothing.  

What I am looking forward to: Starting the nursery! 

Upcoming appointments/events: My next appointment is ???? 

Milestones: My shower invitations went out! 

22 Weeks

How far along? 23 Weeks 3 Days

How big is baby? At our last ultrasound 12/17, Baby A was measuring around 1 lb 2 oz and Baby B was around 1 lb.

Total weight gain/loss: I'm about 15 lbs up. 

Maternity clothes? Yes. The belly is growing.

Sleep: It's been pretty good. Common issues: heartburn, sore hips, getting up to pee 3 times a night and restless leg syndrome. 

Best moment this week: Lenny felt the babies move for the first time on 12/21! It was awesome!

Movement: I feel them every day at this point. Exactly at 21 weeks was when I finally KNEW that I had felt them. I can now feel them from the outside too. 

Food cravings: Seltzer. Lots and lots of seltzer. Fruit, especially pineapple and strawberries. 

Food Aversions: None this week. 

Gender: Two baby girls! 

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: Feeling tired if I'm on my feet too long. I'm really starting to feel pregnant!

Belly Button in or out? In, but stretching.

What I miss: Alcohol. 

What I am looking forward to: Starting the nursery! 

Upcoming appointments/events: My next appointment is 12/30.

Milestones: Having Lenny feel the babies move! 

20 Weeks

How far along? 21 Weeks 0 Days

How big is baby? About the size of carrots and 3/4 of a pound each.

Total weight gain/loss: I'm about 13 lbs up. 

Maternity clothes? Yes. I'm still wearing my regular work pants with a belly band, but most of my shirts are maternity. 

Sleep: It's been pretty good this week. My hips get a little sore but for the most part I'm sleeping well. 

Best moment this week: Decorating the tree and going to the town Christmas tree lighting. It was very emotional for me-- next Christmas we are going to have two little ones! 

Movement: I still think that I am feeling them but I'n not 100% sure. I get these wiggly feeling sometimes.

Food cravings: None that I can think of. 

Food Aversions: None this week. 

Gender: Two baby girls! 

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: I had swollen ankles one day, which I think was from wearing too tight shoes the day before. I also seem to feel my heart beating more-- it must be all the extra blood? Some growing belly pains and occasional restless leg syndrome at night. Very random!

Belly Button in or out? In, but stretching.

What I miss: Wine.

What I am looking forward to: Having Lenny feel the babies. 

Upcoming appointments/events: My next ultrasound is December 17th.

Milestones: Visiting the hospital maternity floor. It was so cool to see where we will be having these two little ones! Also, in week 19 I heard the babies' heartbeats for the first time. It was incredible. 

18 Weeks

How far along? 18 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are 7 ounces and 8 ounces.

Total weight gain/loss: Definitely gain. I'd say about 10 pounds.

Maternity clothes? Oh yes. I look more and more awkward in my regular clothes. I ordered 4 new shirts and some black work pants. I am also in love with my maternity jeans. I might not stop wearing them even after the babies are born.

Sleep: Better. I think that I'm getting used to sleeping on my side.

Best moment this week: Having the anatomy scan and having the doctor tell us that both babies look great. It was such a relief to know that they are healthy. The next best moment was finding out that we are having two daughters!!!!!!!

Movement: None. I thought that I felt something at 17 weeks, but I haven't felt it again.

Food cravings: Marinated mushrooms and seltzer.

Food Aversions: Eggs.

Gender: Two baby girls!

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: I had one day where I felt like I had a gas bubble at the top of my stomach. A few nights of heartburn, but otherwise feeling great!

Belly Button in or out? In, but I can see the scar from my appendectomy. I have never really seen it because it was hidden and now I'm like, wow, that's kind of gross!

What I miss: Turkey on whole wheat. Sushi.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling movement.

Upcoming appointments/events: I have an appointment with my OB today and then my next ultrasound is December 17th.

Milestones: Finding out the sex and starting our registry. I still can't believe that this is really happening!!!!

16 Weeks

How far along? 16 Weeks 6 days (I'm a bit behind)

How big is baby? The babies are 4 and half inches long, about avocado size.

Total weight gain/loss: Definitely gain. Not sure the number-- my scale needs new batteries.

Maternity clothes? I got the maternity clothes that I ordered online and I'm on love. It's so much more comfortable. I love my jeans and leggings.

Sleep: Awful this week. Between tossing and turning all night and the cold that I had, I really didn't sleep well.

Best moment this week: Getting new maternity clothes. It makes it all seem more real.

Movement: None.

Food cravings: Fruit snacks. They were freaking delicious. Pancakes, also delicious when I got them in to my mouth.

Food Aversions: Eggs still. Broccoli. I don't think that I ate a single vegetable besides what I can hide in chili.

Gender: In ONE week we will find out the sex!

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: One random dizzy spell. One hot flash.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Sleeping well.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex!!!

Upcoming appointments/events: Our next appointment is November 19th for our level 2 ultrasound.

Milestones: Getting to the point where I have to sleep with 3 pillows. Two behind my head and one under my knees.

Bump Picture:

14 Weeks

How far along? 15 Weeks 3 days (I'm a bit behind)

How big is baby? The babies are3 and half inches long.

Total weight gain/loss: I have finally gained weight. I was up about 4 lbs from my last OB visit a month ago. 

Maternity clothes? I am still wearing my regular clothes with a belly band but got my first pair of maternity jeans. They are a little loose, but they are so comfortable!

Sleep: Is ok. I am not loving sleeping on my side. 

Best moment this week: Getting a surprise peek at the kiddos! I went in for an OB appointment and because my doctor couldn't find their heartbeats from the outside, she sneaked in a quick unofficial ultrasound. It's always so reassuring to see them and their heartbeats.

Movement: None.

Food cravings: Clams casino. Seriously.

Food Aversions: None that I can think of. 

Gender: In three weeks we will find out the sex!

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: I've felt pretty great this week. I  had a couple of bouts of nausea which was unexpected.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Sliced turkey. I can't wait to have turkey and avocado sandwich on whole wheat bread. Yum.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex on November 19th.

Upcoming appointments/events: Our next appointment is November 19th for our level 2 ultrasound.

Milestones: Going to a party where everyone knew that I was pregnant. It was so nice to see how happy and excited people are, even total strangers!

Bump Picture:

13 Weeks

How far along? 13 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are the size of peaches.

Total weight gain/loss: I'm finally at my pre-pregnancy weight again.

Maternity clothes? I still don't really need maternity clothes, but it's more comfortable to wear the belly band and looser shirts. I ordered a pair of maternity  jeans because I'm sure that I'll need them soon!

Sleep: Is decent. I am paranoid about sleeping on my stomach (even though I think that it's still safe), and I'm not used to sleeping on my side.

Best moment this week: Seeing my family when I went to NY for my grandfather's funeral. It was for a sad occasion, but it was the first time I had seen everyone since announcing the pregnancy.

Movement: None.

Food cravings: Still love olives and back to craving avocado sushi.

Food Aversions: Eggs.

Gender: In four weeks we will find out the sex!

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: This week I didn't have too many symptoms. Occasional indigestion and heartburn.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Nothing!

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex on November 19th so I can start shopping!

Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is 10/28.

Milestones: Making it to the second trimester.

Bump Picture:

12 Weeks

How far along? 12 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are the size of limes.

Total weight gain/loss: Not sure, but I'd guess that I've put on a few pounds at this point.

Maternity clothes? I have been wearing the belly band, not really because I need it, but it just seems more comfortable. I wore one of my maternity shirts the other day, but only because it's cute. A lot of my regular shirts just look weird on me.

Sleep: Is good. I'm definitely getting up less during the night to go to the bathroom.

Best moment this week: Seeing the babies! They were moving around like crazy in there. We got to watch them for about 35 minutes. I could watch them all day long.

Movement: None.

Food cravings: Butter on anything. Toast, bagels, waffles.

Food Aversions: Lettuce.

Gender: I had my first dream about gender. I had a dream that we are expecting two boys. Did I mention that we will be finding out on November 19th???

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: This week has been pretty quiet. I'm assuming this is the start of the glorious second trimester people talk about. 

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: This week, being able to drink. We went out to eat with my parents and they all got Angry Orchard cider. I LOVE that stuff.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex on November 19th!

Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is 10/28.

Milestones: Officially announcing our pregnancy.

Bump Picture:

11 Weeks

How far along? 11 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are the size of figs and about a 1/4 ounce each!

Total weight gain/loss: I'm still about 3 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes? I bought one dress and two shirts, which came the other day. I love them all and can't wait to wear them! This was the first week that I put on pants and couldn't button them. I had to break out the belly band. Also, my shirts still fit but some of them feel snug on my lower stomach.

Sleep: Is still good. I find myself worrying about my sleeping position a lot, which makes me wake  up several times a night. From what I've read, I don't have to worry too much about it yet, but it still makes me anxious.

Best moment this week: Getting the date for our level 2 scan! The scan will be on November 21st. I cannot wait!

Movement: None.

Food cravings: Funyuns. Buffalo chicken fingers. Sorry babies, your Mama is eating like a frat boy.

Food Aversions: Lettuce.

Gender: I had my first dream about gender. I had a dream that we are expecting two boys. Did I mention that we will be finding out on November 21st???

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: All sorts of digestion issues. I have heartburn and feel bloated after eating sometimes. Also, this week I met "baby c"-- the nickname that I gave the gas bubble that resides under my rib cage. It doesn't always happen, but sometimes I feel this bubble at the top of my stomach and I just have to burp it out. Also, some days my boobs feel normalish and then some days they throb. My extreme fatigue seems to be fading, thank goodness.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: This week, nothing. Well, I guess I miss being able to fit in my bras!

What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound which is October 10th.

Upcoming appointments/events: We have an ultrasound on 10/10 and then our next appointment is 10/28.

Milestones: Not being able to button my first pair of pants (!) and scheduling the level 2 scan.

Bump Picture:

Pregnancy After Infertility

When we learned that IVF would be the best chance for us to get pregnant, I became obsessed with finding infertility blogs and reading about women's journey through all of the testing, injections and all the heartbreak and losses that are part of this process. I would always get so excited when I read about the successes-- the pregnancies and growing bumps, the weekly pregnancy updates, the healthy babies. Inevitably there would be a post about adjusting to pregnancy after going through IVF.

I never understood it. People talked about the guilt and I would always think, If I ever get pregnant, there will be none of that. I will be so excited that there is no way that I'd have those feelings.

And yet, here I am on the eve of my 12th week of pregnancy and I get it. When we realized that getting pregnant wasn't going to be easy for us, I asked "Why me, why us?," and now that I'm pregnant, I find myself asking the same exact question, "Why me, why us?"

I still read a lot of infertility blogs and I see that there are countless women who are still living in their personal nightmare. Still going for fertility treatments, still regrouping, still asking what's next, still trying, still hoping. I ask myself why these women, who want children as badly as I did are still waiting for their miracle? Why are we so lucky that it only took us three months to get pregnant after I started my very first injection?

I guess it's not my place to ask. God has his plan that we can't begin to understand.

It's been almost two months since I took that first beautiful pregnancy test and I can say that I'm still waiting for my emotional breakthrough. I cried tears of joy that afternoon after seeing those two lines, but since then I've barely shed a tear. I still feel like I'm in a state of shock. Whenever I see my two little loves during ultrasound, I'm in awe and I'm amazed, but it still feels surreal. I can see my stomach rounding, I can feel my clothes getting tight, I have been tired, nauseous, had heartburn and dozens of other symptoms, but I feel like I'm playing pregnant and I'm not sure when it will sink in for me.

There is this fear holding me back. That this is too good to be true. That we really can't be THIS happy. It's waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's praying that the other shoe doesn't drop.

So here I am, about to start my 12th week of my pregnancy and I'm still adjusting to being pregnant. Or rather, trying to accept that I'm pregnant with two precious little souls. I keep telling myself that when I see them this Thursday during my next ultrasound, that will be IT. It will feel real and I will be able to get past this. I've also said that before... when we see the heartbeat... when we have our next ultrasound... when I begin to show.

I do know one thing, when it does hit me, my heart will surely explode because there is no way that it can contain all of the gratitude, excitement and love I have thinking about becoming a Mom.

To everyone still in the depths of infertility. My thoughts are with you. My heart breaks with you. Above all, I keep the faith with you. I hope that everyone will get their miracle, one way or another.

10 Weeks

How far along? 10 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are a bit bigger than a prune. (Sorry for comparing you to a wrinkly, ugly thing!)

Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.

Maternity clothes? Not yet, but I did order a couple of shirts and a dress because of a great sale! I probably won't need them for a while.

Sleep: I was still tired at the beginning of the week but by the end of week 10 I noticed a shift. I don't feel as tired now.

Best moment this week: Starting to tell more people in our family. It was very special and emotional. A lot of people really love these little babies already.

Movement: None.

Food cravings: Still olives and chex mix. Apparently I like salt? Apple cider tastes awesome too.

Food Aversions: Eggs. Some veggies.

Gender: Too early to know, but we are one week closer to finding out!

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: Feeling bloated, gassy, hungry.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Alright, I'll admit it. I miss being able to drink a glass of wine.

What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound. Having an actual bump that looks like a baby and not like I'm just getting pudgy. 

Upcoming appointments/events: October 28th.

Milestones: Telling my nieces that they are getting two baby cousins!

Bump Picture: Bloated and on some days a noticeable bump to me. Still not enough for someone to KNOW that I'm pregnant.

9 Weeks

How far along? 9 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are each a little over an inch long.

Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.

Maternity clothes? Not yet.

Sleep: I wish that I could sleep ALL of the time. My sleep is getting more restless-- I feel achier and can't get comfortable. I'm also still getting up to pee a few times.

Best moment this week: Seeing the babies! We saw them bouncing around and waving their limbs. Baby A's heartbeat was 164 and Baby B's was 171. Everything looked great.

Movement: None that I can feel, but they are definitely moving around in there!

Food cravings: Olives. Traditional check mix... those little rye chips are amazing. Also, sour patch kids. The red ones of course.

Food Aversions: Nothing specific, but certain things just don't sound good at a particular moment. Tangerines and tomatoes make the list.

Gender: Too early to know, but my prediction this week is one boy and one girl.

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: FATIGUE, strong sense of smell, frequent urination, feeling bloated, gassy... all the lovely stuff.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Still absolutely nothing.

What I am looking forward to: Having a bump!

Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/30.

Milestones: Seeing the heartbeats at 10 weeks. Amazing.

Bump Picture: Major bloat but no bump.

8 Weeks

How far along? 8 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The babies are each half an inch big.

Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.

Maternity clothes? Not yet.

Sleep: Still my favorite thing to do. Still sleeping 10-12 hours a day and some days I can't shake the exhaustion. Still getting up to pee a few times a night. The crazy and weird dreams have also begun this week.

Best moment this week: Telling our immediate family that we are expecting! It was hysterical to shock them twice- we are pregnant.... with TWINS. The reactions were priceless.

Movement: No, but apparently the babies are moving around in there at this point.

Food cravings: None really. I had some olives at my cousin's weddings though and they tasted SO good. Now that I think about it, I should go buy a jar...

Food Aversions: One day everything that I ate tasted bitter and weird. It's definitely a day-by-day thing with me.

Gender: Too early to know, but I'm feeling two boys or one boy and one girl.

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: Sore breasts, nipples looking weird and dark, fatigue, strange dreams, frequent urination at night, bitter taste in mouth, forgetful. 

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Still absolutely nothing.

What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in one weeks!

Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/24 and I will have an ultrasound.

Milestones: Telling our parents and siblings. It made things so much more real and amazing.

Bump Picture: No bump yet but there is definite bloat going on.

First OB Appointment

Yesterday was my first OB appointment and I was excited and nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect since I've never actually had a regular, "Hi, I'm pregnant" doctor's appointment.My doctor was running 20 minutes late so I sat there and waited with about 5 very pregnant women. It was nice to not feel the need to give them dirty looks because, hell, I'm pregnant too!

The nurse called me in and took my weight and then asked me if I could provide a urine sample. I had gone to the bathroom before I left the house because I didn't think I could hold it for another 30 minutes so I told her that I wasn't sure if I had to go. She looked at me and said, "Well we need a urine sample to confirm your pregnancy." I'm sure that it's just protocol but I wanted to tell her that I'm pretty sure that three blood tests and one ultrasound is good confirmation of pregnancy. I was able to produce a sample and she came in the room and said, "Congrats, you are pregnant!" I almost laughed out loud. Thanks for the news!

After waiting pantless for 20 minutes, the doctor finally came in and quickly went over what happened at the fertility clinic. She did a pap smear and took some cultures and that was it. I think I met with her for about 4 minutes. We scheduled the next appointment for 9/24 and I'm going to have another ultrasound and meet with her again. The first OB appointment was a bit of a disappointment, but I'm excited about seeing the babies in two weeks. 

7 Weeks

How far along? 7 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? We have two blueberries!

Total weight gain/loss: Up a few pounds from last week, which is still below my pre-pregnancy weight.

Maternity clothes? No but it seems like my pants are getting tight around the waist.

Sleep: My favorite activity EVER. This week had brought some serious fatigue. As in, I can sleep 11 hours and still need a nap... and still be tired.

Best moment this week: Telling our immediate family!

Movement: No.

Food cravings: Sushi. Avocado rolls or cooked shrimp rolls. Yum!

Food Aversions: None.

Gender: Not sure.

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms: My sense of smell has been heightened this week. The area around my desk smelled so funky the other day that I had to hunt down a febreeze before I could spend one more minute at my desk. My coworker's cinnamon latte made the room smell like cupcakes for hours. I feel like a hound dog. Boobs are still sore. I am tired all of the time. No amount of sleep helps. Some days I'm starving and then some days I don't want to eat. I also have a sexy cold sore on my lip thanks to my reduced immune system.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Absolutely nothing.

What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in two weeks!

Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/24 and I will have an ultrasound! I can't wait to see the beans.

Milestones: My first OB appointment and getting the "congrats you're pregnant" goodie bag.

Bump Picture: No bump.

6 Weeks

How far along? 6 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? According to my books, babies are the size of a sweet pea

Total weight gain/loss: Loss of about 5 lbs, which surprised me!

Maternity clothes? No.

Sleep: I'm not sleeping as well as last week. I'm more restless during the night and am still waking up multiple times to pee. I LOVE sleeping though because this fatigue is kicking my butt. One night I slept 11 hours and STILL took an hour nap.

Best moment this week: Seeing the heartbeats. Finding out we are having twins. Pretty much the most amazing moment of my life, hands down.

Movement: No.

Food cravings: Cereal, anything carb-tastic.

Food Aversions: Nothing really. It's more that nothing sounds good except bread and crackers and cereal and pasta... you get the idea.

Gender: No idea, but it's crazy to think that we could have two girls, two boys or one and one!

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Still tired all of the time. Sore boobs, nipples are getting darker in color, no nausea, but I just don't feel like eating much. And then sometimes I'm starving and I need to eat every hour.

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Absolutely nothing.

What I am looking forward to: Our first OB appoinment scheduled for September 10th.

Upcoming appointments/events:  OB appointment next Tuesday.

Milestones: Seeing the freaking heartbeats! Coolest thing ever. Also, finally being able to go home with ultrasound pictures of our babies. Oh, and Monday night was my last injection for a looooooong time. Amen to that.

Bump Picture: No bump. I saw all of these pictures online of women who had little bumps at 7 weeks and it freaked me out! I'm sure I will be showing soon enough with these two little beans.

6 Weeks 1 Day: Heartbeats!!!!!

Wow.

It's crazy how quickly things change.

This morning I couldn't eat breakfast because I was so nervous about the ultrasound. I left work at 8:30AM to head to the clinic and Lenny called me. He sounded cheerful and excited and I told him that I was so nervous that I was going to vomit. We met in the parking lot of the fertility clinic and I can say that I have never been so nervous in my life.

We went in and the nurse brought us into a room and asked me to get undressed. The door opened and I saw that it was my favorite technician! She is the same one who did the ultrasound when my lining bumped up to 8.1mm and she was the technician that was with us during our transfer. I was so happy to see her-- she is our lucky charm.

When she started the ultrasound I couldn't look at the screen. I closed my eyes and held Lenny's hand. That's when I heard her say, "I see two sacs." My eyes flew open and I could see two dark ovals on the screen. OMG. But I knew that sacs can be empty. A few seconds later she said zoomed in on Baby A and she said, "I see a yolk sac... wait, I see a heartbeat." She asked if we could see it and all that I could do was nod. There on the screen was this tiny little flickering spot-- one of my baby's tiny beating heart. My mind was blown. Tears started to roll down my cheeks and I squeezed Lenny's hand so hard.

The technician said that she'd try to get the heart rate and asked me to hold my breath. She did it twice and said that Baby's A heartbeat was at 112bpm, which was great. I was smiling from ear to ear. Next she moved over to Baby B and she said that because it was farther from the cervix, she couldn't see much. After moving the ultrasound probe around she said, "I see something.... Another heartbeat!" My heart could have exploded.

She had me hold my breath again and Baby's B heartbeat was 109bpm, which she said is great too. Both  babies were measuring at 5 weeks 6 days, which is 2 days behind where I thought I was, but she said that it wasn't anything to worry about. After she was done she printed out the ultrasound pictures for us and it was a HUGE moment for me. For so long I really didn't know if I'd ever be able to experience this joy. I didn't know if I'd ever see my child's beating heart or be able to see our little ones growing in me. And now, here we were with two heartbeats and pictures of our little beans.

I can say that I was honestly in shock a bit. We knew that twins were possible and our hcg numbers were pretty high, but for some reason I really didn't think that we'd have twins. We joked about it all the time, but holy crap, things get very real very fast. Doctor V popped in  her head to say congrats and she told me that I could stop the estrogen injections and that she'd have her team order me progesterone suppositories so I can stop my progesterone injections.

They took us into a room and gave us a release paper to sign. I asked, "So now I just see my OB?" They said, yes-- you are finished with us! Such a crazy journey. Nine months ago we had our very first appointment with Dr. V and she said that she'd get me pregnant. I remember being so skeptical and she said, "I will have to prove it to you." And she did. I know that we are not out of the woods yet but seeing two heartbeats was incredibly encouraging.

I called my OB and made an appointment for September 10th. I'm not sure what to expect-- I don't think that she'd do an ultrasound again, but that would be fantastic. All I know is that I have about a million questions for her about twin pregnancy.

Holy crap. We are having twins!

6 Weeks 0 Days: Red Spotting

This morning when I got to work I had a little bit of an achy feeling low down in my uterus (which scared the crap out of me because it reminded me of when I thought I had a miscarriage in 2011). I went to the bathroom and saw red blood.

Immediately I thought, "Here we go." I called the fertility clinic and they told me to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound. They said that it would be a little early but that hopefully they'd be able to see something. They told me to call if I had cramping or heavy bleeding.

It was hard for me to concentrate at work because I was so incredibly worried. I kept going to the bathroom to check and fortunately I had no more red bleeding the rest of the day-- just pink spotting and by the end of the day, brown spotting.

Lenny wasn't very worried (always the optimist) and said that everything would be fine. I barely ate all day long and I just have this pit in my stomach. Tomorrow we will know. Part of me is excited because we MIGHT see a heartbeat, but then the other part of me is horrified because there might be nothing. Only a few more hours... 

5 Weeks

How far along? 5 Weeks 6 days

How big is baby? According to my books, baby is the size of a sesame seed!

Total weight gain/loss: No idea, but I'd guess that my weight is the same.

Maternity clothes? No. 

Sleep: I'm sleeping like a rock. I fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. This helps make up for getting up 2-3 times a night to pee.

Best moment this week: Finding out that the third beta was nice and strong.

Movement: No.

Food cravings: Orange juice.

Food Aversions: Randomly- peanut butter. Yuck.

Gender: No idea.

Labor Signs: n/a

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Tired all.of.the.time. Getting up to go to the bathroom during the night, sore breasts. Did I mention tired?

Belly Button in or out? In .

What I miss: Absolutely nothing.

What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound.

Upcoming appointments/events:  Our ultrasound on September 13th.

Milestones: Hopefully baby's heart is beating right now!

Bump Picture: There isn't a bump yet-- just a bit of bloating.

FET # 1: Third Beta- 11,930

Guys.

How is it going?

Today I am 5 Weeks 3 days pregnant. I still feel like it hasn't really hit me.

I had a fabulous week away in Cape Cod and got back home yesterday. It was amazing. Tons of seafood, beach, sunny weather, bbq, family time, snuggling with little girls, ice cream and adventures. Pure heaven.

Except there was always this nagging feeling of uncertainty following me around like a dark cloud. Last Saturday my blood work came back great so I felt confident. By Sunday morning I felt like my symptoms had decreased. I started to freak out. By Wednesday I was starting to feel a little dizzy again so I felt better. I honestly tried not to think about it too often (sorry baby) because it was making me crazy.

This morning I had labwork again and I felt pretty confident again. They usually send me an email around 11AM so when 11AM came and went and then 12PM came and went my mind went to worst case scenario.

My thoughts raced. They are waiting for a doctor to call me with bad news. My number went down. I've lost the baby. Sheer. Panic.

At 12:47PM I got an email. I feverishly logged in and saw the beautiful words: Your pregnancy test came back at 11930. This is another very good number.

DEEP
BREATH

My ultra sound is scheduled for Friday, September 13th. I will be 8 weeks, 2 days. I was really thinking/hoping that I'd have an ultrasound next week but it looks like I'm going to have to sweat it out for 3 more weeks.

I have to stop with my dark storm cloud. I am pregnant. All signs so far have been positive. I am currently growing a little life and I should be enjoying it. I can't control anything and my worrying is not going to change anything. It's just so hard to let go of the fear when you have wished and prayed for something for years and now it's sitting in your lap. I am afraid to get "too excited" until I know that it will be OK. But will I ever really know that? I'm sure every Mom will say that the worry NEVER stops. Even when your kids are in their 30s or 40s or 50s. That's part of the job description.

I have been too afraid to take pictures or write in pregnancy journals or sign up for any pregnancy newsletters. But do I want to live like this? If something God-forbid happens to this child, will I feel better because I didn't receive a weekly newsletter? Will a loss be harder because I wrote in a journal about becoming a Mom? I doubt it.

I might as well embrace this now because now is all that we have.

FET #1: Second Beta- 1,184

This morning I went in for labwork and my hcg is at 1184! My doctor is very happy with this number. I go back in a week to have my hcg checked again and then hopefully, if everything is still going well we will schedule an ultrasound.

I still can't believe that I'm really pregnant. Until I see that heartbeat(s), I just don't think that it will feel like it's really happening.

Today I am 4 weeks 3 days pregnant and I am one happy girl. :)

FET #1: First Beta- 500!!!!

Holy cow.

I'm pregnant, like for real pregnant.

My doctor called yesterday a little after 11AM to let me know that my hcg came back at 500! She said that she wasn't sure if there is one baby in there or two!

Holy crap.

I might be having twins.

I called Lenny right after and it was the happiest call that I've ever made. "Babe, you might want to sit down..."

After work we went out to eat dinner and do some shopping for our Cape Cod trip. By 7pm I was ready to face plant in my bed I was so tired.

I go back for blood work tomorrow and then an ultrasound will be scheduled some time for week 6.

Somebody pinch me.

FET # 1: Beta Day, Still Waiting for a Call

It's 10:41AM

I am having heart palpitations.

Someone needs to call me ASAP.

Before I drop

d
e
a
d

FET #1: 4 Weeks? and Beta day

Yesterday was another tough day mentally.

I had some cramping later in the day and the tiniest bit of brown discharge. My brain went to the worst case scenario-- the pregnancy isn't going to be viable, I'm having a very early miscarriage and this round will end up being a chemical pregnancy. Throw in less sore boobs and my sky was falling.

I woke up this morning bright and early to make it to the clinic by 6:30AM to get my blood drawn. I stopped at a 24 hour CVS to pick up a pregnancy test because apparently, I am that woman.

I got my blood drawn and I was the first person to be seen today. The technician drew my blood in one try and said, "today is going to be a good day." I will take this as a good sign.

When I got to work I took the pregnancy test and as soon as my urine hit the test, I could see the line forming. Within seconds I could see the plus sign. A hesitant sigh of relief.

My boobs are sore again today and I have that pulsing headache that I had when I was pregnant two years ago. I am praying and hoping that the number from today's beta will be a nice strong one. My heart can't handle losing this baby or babies.

And so we wait.

FET #1: 8DP5DT BFP!

This morning I slept in later than normal. I just felt so t-i-r-e-d. I chalked it up to emotional roller coaster that the two week wait is.

I turned on the TV and it was  randomly on the country music station. I made myself some breakfast and sat down on the couch. A song by Randy Houser came on called Runnin' Outta Moonlight and as I sat eating my honey dew melon, I watched the video. In the video a young couple is out taking a moonlight drive and I started thinking about when Lenny and I first met and how magical those first few months of dating were and before I knew it, I was crying. Legitimately crying at 7:30 in the morning over a music video.

An hour later I was watching CNN and they played a clip about people helping others. In one clip this guy was riding his bicycle and  he saw an elderly man walking alone on a busy street. He stopped and helped the man (who was blind) over to the sidewalk. OMG. I was in hysterics.  How sweet, how wonderful, he (sob) saved (sob) that (sob) old blind man (deep breath and more sobbing).

A light bulb went off. Holy sh*t I'm pregnant! Either that or I've officially lost my mind. I push the thought aside. There is no way... that awful cramping yesterday... no way.

I continue on with my day and start cleaning the house. I find that I'm getting clammy and really really hot, so I kept taking breaks. Holy sh*t I'm pregnant I think again. I push it away.

After lunch I decide that I want a small bowl of ice cream (don't judge, it is the summer after all). After eating it all I could feel was  this weird coating in my mouth. I drink two glasses of water to get rid of it. I think, you are pregnant you dummy. No way.

At that point I decided that I had to know.

I drove to the dollar store and ran to the "beauty" aisle and went straight to the section where the pregnancy tests are. What can I say? I've done this before. My eyes scanned the wall. Ovulation prediction kits, condoms, a urinary tract infection test (they have those??), but no pregnancy tests. WTF.

I refused to give up. I walked up to the register and see a couple of boxes. Jack pot. I bought one single pregnancy test and ran back to the car.

On the drive home I chatted with myself.

You aren't really going to do this, are you?

Sure as hell I am.

What if it's negative?

I'll tell myself that it's just because it's not first morning urine.

This could be a very, very bad idea. 

I got home and made a beeline to the bathroom. I was so nervous. Literally shaking. This was it. I hit the 2 minute countdown on my phone and walked out of the bathroom into our bedroom. I got on my knees and prayed. After about a minute I went back in to the bathroom and glanced at the test. Nothing.

I told myself that we'd be fine, we'd just try again as soon as we could. We'd be fine.

I paused and looked at the test again. Wait, that's a line. That's a freaking line.

Before my eyes I watched as the line went from a faint shadow to an unmistakable pink line. HOLY CRAP!

Immediately I started screaming, which caused my dogs to start jumping around the bathroom with me. I did a really embarrassing dance of victory and then proceeded to stare at the test for I don't know, 3 hours. WE ARE PREGNANT.

I am pregnant.

Tomorrow I will be exactly 4 weeks pregnant.

Everything has changed. My heart couldn't be more full right now.

FET #1`: 7DP5DT

Yesterday was not a good day. For most of the day I was having mild cramps on and off like I have been having. Around 3PM my cramps got intense. Like, stop in your tracks intense.

I called the clinic and they said that cramping can be normal and advised that I could take Tylenol. On the drive home from work I kept getting this tightening feeling in my uterus. When I got home from work around 4:30PM I went to the bathroom and saw the tiniest bit of pinkish discharge. My heart sank to the floor. I thought, "This is it." I kept waiting for the blood to come, but after numerous trips to the bathroom last night, not a single trace of blood.

This morning my uterus is quiet-- I haven't had any cramps yet and I hope that they are gone. While I'm not feeling very good about this cycle right now, there is that small voice of hope in my head. I keep thinking that MAYBE, maybe, the cramping was just my baby (or babies!) making room in there. I've read so many stories online of women who thought AF was coming and ended up being pregnant. I pray that is how this story turns out.

For now I'm trying to lay low and drink lots of water. I hope that I make it two more days to test day.

FET #1: 6DP5DT

Yesterday was more of the same. Some cramping on and off that is putting me in a very bad mood. I had my second breakdown of this two week wait. One of those embarrassing, "why me, why us, why, why why" breakdowns. The one difference was that last night my chest became very sensitive. I sleep on my stomach usually, but last night it was too painful so I ended up sleeping on my side. Also, I have been very thirsty but that could be from anything.

I'm emotionally exhausted at this point and VERY ready for it to be Thursday already. If I could fast forward the next days, I would. Again, I just feel like I would know at this point if I was pregnant. I'm hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised. I'm bracing myself for bad news though.

Symptoms: tired (took an hour nap), sore breasts/nipples, cramping, thirsty

FET #1: 5DP5DT

I can't believe that I made it to day 5 without the serious Crazy showing up.

Today started innocently enough. I wasn't having any cramping and I was feeling pretty good. I took a break at work and when I came back to my desk and sat down, immediately I smelled cigarettes. It was so strong it was like there was an ashtray under my nose. I got up from my desk and started walking around asking my confused coworkers, "Did anyone just smoke?" One of my coworkers looked at me like I was nuts (I am) and said that she had just gotten back in from smoking. 

I sat back down at my desk almost giddy. Holy crap, is this the heightened sense of smell a sign that I'm pregnant!? I must be pregnant. I sent my husband an email that said, "I'm pretty sure that one or two of these buddies stuck."

Fast forward to about 3:30PM and this roller coaster ride took a nose dive. I started getting cramps when I stood up. It only happened when I went from sitting to standing and it would last 3-5 seconds. I got these same cramps during my first IVF cycle and we know that was a BFN. My heart sank. 

A few hours later, the tears came. This whole process is just so overwhelming and emotional. I want this to work SO badly and there is nothing that I can do at this point. I'm either pregnant or I'm not. Black and white. 

I don't know how people do this 4, 5, 6 times... it is draining beyond words. At this point I just want to know one way or another so I can move on. My husband wants us to wait until our official test date, which is Thursday the 15th, but I don't know if I can make it until then. We go on vacation next week and while I'm excited about it, I know that it's going to be incredibly hard to be there while dealing with a failed second try. 

Again, we wait.

Symptoms: cramping when going from sitting to standing, extra hungry, slightly heavy/sore breasts, tired (I took a nap when I got home from work)

FET #1: 4DP5DT

Today was pretty quiet symptom wise. I had a few cramps and had two stabbing pains during the day. A weird thing started happening where I'd get crampy when I would stand up from a seated position. Is this bad news? Good news? Who knows.

As the days pass, I get more doubtful that it worked. Wouldn't I know by now? Just have a gut feeling? Have insanely painful breasts or be dead tired? I'm beginning to think that this cycle will be a failure, but at the same time I just can't think about that option.

I don't know how I will handle transferring two beautiful embryos and having none stick. It would be tragic.

For now, I soldier on. Six more days until we know.

Symptoms: cramps, shooting pains (twice), white discharge, slightly sore/heavy breasts, headache

FET #1: 3DP5DT

Hello! We are one day closer to beta day, woohoo!

Here are some of my symptoms. Last night my boobs were very, very sore. I didn't sleep well at all, but by the time I woke up my breasts didn't seem as sore. I'm thinking that it's just the hormones talking. I was really tired so I went to sleep earlier than normal.

Today the lightheaded feeling has returned and I'm starting to have a sore chest again. I ran outside to make a quick call and as soon as I got outside, I felt dizzy. I am HOPING that this is a good sign.

I'm having the same sort of uterus "pings" today. Not quite cramps, but sometimes it feels like a throb, sometimes it's just a pinch, sometimes it just feels like something is going on in there. Again, I might just be going crazy.

Symptoms: twinges, cramps, dizzy, sore breasts

FET #1: 2DP5DT

There isn't much to report today. I've had a headache all day and have just been feeling "off". I am probably reading too much into everything, but it has me feeling pretty good about this. I would say that I am still having slight twinges, but that are pretty infrequent. I am actually hoping for some stronger ones that might mean implantation. My boobs are also a little sore, but that could be from my estrogen shot last night.

Yeah. So basically all of this could mean nothing and until I get my blood drawn in 8 days,  it's anyone's guess. STICK BABIES STICK!

Symptoms: slight twinges, very slightly sore breasts

FET #1: 1DP5DT

There isn't much to report today. I have been having on and off twinges in my uterus today. I wouldn't call it cramping and it hasn't been very consistent. According to what I have read online the embryos are hatching today (so cute, little chickies!) so I don't think that any twinges would be related to that.

I have to say that so far my attitude has been positive. It feels better to know that we have two in there. Maybe this is just me being crazy, but I like that they aren't alone in there. I like the whole buddy system thing.

One day down, nine to go. Babies, I hope that you are busy hatching away. Settle in my loves!

Symptoms: on and off slight twinges

FET #1: Transfer Day!

Today was a perfect day.

I woke up at 7:30AM after admitting to myself that I was just too excited to sleep any longer. I let the dogs outside and stood in my kitchen. The early morning light was filtering through the window and I could tell that it was going to be a beautiful day. I stepped out on to my porch into the cool morning air and walked in the dewy grass so that I could watch the trees sway in the light breeze. I took a few photos and just let it seep in: Today is the day.

I did routine morning things. Made breakfast, brushed my teeth, fed the dogs, put my contacts in. I did un-routine things like take extra time to straighten my hair and put a little bit more makeup on. In a way I felt like I had to look my best because it was such a special day. I downloaded my meditations and some feel-good songs on to my phone to help me through the 10 day wait. I got dressed. Put on my St. Gerard medallion.Took a deep breath.

We still had some time before we had to leave for the clinic so I looked through my emails. I got the first email in a 21-day meditation challenge. The centering thought of the day was: Today I am open to the presence of miracles.

I blinked. What a perfect centering thought for today.

We stopped at the library before heading to the clinic so I could pick up the books that I had put on hold. One of the books was Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. I turned to today's meditation and under August 5th the title of the meditation was Respect Life and it included the sentences "take time to remember that all life is sacred" and " With all its trials, tests, worries, heartaches, and sometimes heartbreaks, life is a gift." Another tailor made message for us on this day.

After we got settled into the room, the nurse came in to check my bladder. When the door opened and my favorite nurse walked in, I smiled. Another good sign.The doctor came in a few minutes later to let us know that two blastocysts had thawed back to 100% and that we still had three left.

It all happened so fast and before we knew it, it was over. The doctor said that everything was "textbook" and that he hoped that this time ends up different than last time. We waited for 10 minutes and then I was allowed to leave.

I went home, made myself lunch and sat in the backyard while I read by books. I know that in ten days we will know if this was successful or not, but today was full of great omens so I'm feeling positive. Anything is possible but I'm going to keep my chin up.

Right now, I have two perfect bundles in me, just ready to bloom. Now we wait and keep the faith.

FET #1 Cycle Day I Can't Even Keep Track Anymore

I am so excited that I might explode. Only two more days and it's transfer day! I don't know why, but this time around feels different. I don't know if it's because I thought that this cycle was going to be cancelled, or if it's just the less stress that comes with a FET cycle, but I'm feeling really good.

I also think that since we haven't told anyone about this cycle, my excitement is out of control. Sometimes I get the urge to just tell someone, anyone, including the woman next to me at the check out line at the super market or the telemarketer that calls the house. I haven't actually blurted this news out to anyone yet, but the thought has been there.

It's just a miracle to think that in a little over 48 hours, my future child(ren) may become a reality. It's an overwhelming feeling really and it's the sort of feeling that I like to linger in like a cozy blanket. I'm so grateful that we are even at this point. Grateful that my body produced 14 follicles a few months ago, grateful that 13 of them were mature, grateful that we ended up with six embryos, grateful that we were able to freeze five, grateful that I live in a state that requires infertility coverage, grateful for my supportive husband, grateful that I'm alive, grateful that I live 25 minutes from a clinic and doctor that I love, grateful that the estrogen injections worked and allowed me to continue this cycle.  So full of gratitude for everything that brought us to this point.

Infertility is hard, and hard in ways that you can't even anticipate. On some days I don't think about it much and then on other days the pain bubbles up to the surface. Strange things can trigger sadness or anger or bitterness, and it's difficult to predict those emotions. Then there are the times when I'm thankful for having to take this road. It has made my relationship with my husband stronger, it's made me stronger and I know that one day when I am holding our baby in our arms, that moment will be sweeter than anything that I have ever dreamed of.

I am going to enjoy the next couple of days, relishing in the fact that come Monday morning, I will be a little closer to making my dreams come true.

FET #1 CD 22: Transfer is Scheduled!

It's a go!

I got my instructions this afternoon. The transfer is scheduled for Monday 8/5. I am relieved and excited and thrilled.

My medication instructions are as follows:

• Continue injectable estrogen every 3 days
• Start progesterone injections on Wednesday 
• Start doxy on Wednesday and take for 4 days

In one week I will hopefully be resting on my couch with my embies!

FET #1 CD 22: Good News!

This morning I had an ultrasound and blood work and I honestly had no idea what to expect. Last time I went in, my lining was at a dismal 3 point something. I didn't know what would be considered good news today-- anything over 3, something in the 6-7 mm range?

I was excited and nervous on the way to the clinic. I was hoping that it would be good news. The technician was doing her thing and she said to me, "Write 8.1 on line 3." My mind raced, what's line 3, what the hell is line 3?? I looked at my sheet and it was next to the line that says "Endometrium." I repeated outloud, "Did you say 8.1?" She said yes. I then proceeded to freak out in excitement internally.

HOLY CRAP, the injections seriously worked. In five days I added about 5mm to my lining. Hallluljia. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor, so hopefully my labwork is fine and we can schedule the transfer.

I'm so excited! This is really happening. Get ready frozen babies, Mama is almost ready for you.

FET#1 CD17: Spotting, Panic and Hope

If I could personally give every person who has ever suffered from fertility a hug and kiss and have this be 1. not creepy and 2. physically possible, I would absolutely do it.

Even when you think that you've got things under control, you don't. Even when you have all the positive thoughts in the world, you can still expect a roller coaster ride.

I had an ultrasound on Sunday and was completely sure that everything would look great. The original plan was that I'd have the ultrasound to confirm that my lining was at least 8mm and then schedule my transfer for this Saturday. I went in for my ultrasound and the technician told me that my lining was at 6.0mm. No bueno. I had a mini meltdown because I just can't wait anyfreakinglonger.

I got my instructions to increase my estrace from 2x a day to 3x a day. They wanted me to come in for a repeat ultrasound this Friday. Cue me whining.

I should have just been happy with this neutral news because on Monday I started spotting. I called the clinic and they told me that it wasn't a big deal because it can happen when you increase estrogen. OK, no biggie.

Yesterday I woke up and I had something between spotting and a full blown period, which caused me curse my uterus for clearly not getting the correct memo. Hey Ute, can you get your act together please?

I called the clinic again to inform them of this development. The nurse said, "OK, we will talk to a doctor and figure out a plan." Roger that. What felt like 27 hours later, they called me to let me know that I should come in for an ultrasound on Wednesday to assess the lining. If the lining had increased, they wouldn't worry about the bleeding.

Fast forward to this morning. My eyes fly open and I immediately try to figure out if I'm still bleeding. I turn over, nothing. I get up to let the dogs out to pee, nothing. I'm feeling pretty good. I continue back to bed when I feel it. Yup. There is no way my lining is going to be OK.

I drive to the clinic literally talking out loud to myself. "It will be fine, maybe everything is OK? It's fine. What's another month?"

I get my bloodwork done (which, as a side note, can I just ask if it's some sort of cosmic joke that the only "small" body part that I have are my veins? What gives?) and then head into the ultrasound. Luckily I got my favorite technician so I was happy that at least I'd get the news from a kind soul. She gave me the number-- my lining is 3.8mm. Yikes.

I leave feeling deflated.  And here folks, is where you have to pay attention. Not to sound cliche, but you really do have to keep the faith. I ignored my one biggest rule- ONLY WORRY WHEN YOU HAVE TO WORRY. I figured that this cycle was a complete wash and that we'd have to start all over again.

A few hours later I got a voicemail on my phone. It was Dr. V and as soon as I heard her voice I felt better. She called to say that she knew I was having some issues with bleeding but that she was going to have her team order injectable estrace for me. She said that once the bleeding stopped I should be in "good shape" and hopefully my lining will build back up. I have to go in for an ultrasound on Monday, July 29th.

SEE. No reason to worry. Now I have no idea if this will work or not and it's very possible that my FET cycle will be cancelled if my lining decides to take a vacation, BUT-- and it's a big but-- it is also possible that this will work and I'll have my frozen babies transferred in the next few weeks.

Hope.

It is a wonderful thing.

FET #1 CD 6: The Crazy Begins

Hello.

My name is Stefanie and I have a problem.

No matter how many times I tell myself that "this time I'm going to play it cool", it just doesn't happen. I tell myself that I'm not going to search for baby names or plan my maternity wardrobe, that this time I'm just going to wait until I'm actually pregnant to make lists, plan things, etc.

You'd think that after almost two years of trying for a baby that I'd get a freaking clue and cut it out.

But no. Apparently I like pain.

Sitting on my desk at this very moment is a list. What kind of list, you might ask? A list with dates that correspond with my week and day in pregnancy.

For example:

Columbus Day: 14 Weeks + 0 Days
Halloween: 16 Weeks + 3 Days
Thanksgiving 2013: 20 Weeks + 3 Days
Mom's Birthday: 26 Weeks + 6 Days

S
E
N
D

help!

FET #1 CD5: The Plan

On Tuesday I had my baseline ultrasound and lab work. That afternoon I heard from the clinic and they advised me to start taking 1mg of estrace two times a day. On Monday I'm increasing that dose to 2mg two times a day. I have my next ultrasound next Sunday (the 21st) and if my lining looks good then I will start my progesterone shots and have my transfer on Saturday the 27th.

Holy cow. Here we go again!

I'm getting more excited each day. To know that two weeks from tomorrow I could possibly be pregnant with our future child(ren?) is amazing.

FET #1 CD2: Bigfoot Sighting

Today I went in to get my baseline ultrasound and blood work done. Nothing too exciting, I'm a pro at this part now.

The technician came in to do my ultrasound and after having me jot down my uterus and right ovary measurements, we moved on to my ever elusive left ovary. I gave her my usual warning to technicians-- that my left ovary is nearly impossible to locate. The technician was so sweet and she said that she was determined to get a good view of it. We tried massaging from the outside, changing all of these settings on the machine and basically just fishing around for it. I'd say that my left ovary is a pain in the ass, but I think saying that it's a pain in my vagina would be more accurate.

After a few minutes she said that she was going to go find the attachment so she could take a look at it externally. Praise baby Jesus. She found my ovary immediately and had me take down the measurements. I often find myself trying to prove my ovary's existence.... It's just shy!... I promise it's there.... It just  likes to be difficult. I've even had a technician once ask me, "So has anyone ever actually seen your left ovary?" It's like Big Foot. You never know when you are going to get a sighting.

 But today, we had a sighting. I will have to wait to hear from my doctor to see if I am all clear to start the estrogen pills, but the technician said everything looked great.

So here we are again. Another beginning, another possibility. In 18-ish days we could have our transfer and hopefully put back two beautiful embryos. I'm feeling good about this time. Like always though, one step at a time.

Meds for FET #1 Have Been Ordered!

It's official- my medications are ordered. They will be arriving this Tuesday and I am so excited. This shipment has way less than the one for my IVF cycle. I'm only getting estrace, progesterone and doxycycline. This Wednesday I will take my last BCP and then I'll wait for my period.

Let's get this show on the road!

Skeletons In My Closet (or E-mail folder)

When I first found out I was pregnant in 2011, I signed up for all of those weekly pregnancy newsletters. After realizing that the pregnancy was not going to result in a baby, I unsubscribed from all of them. Which, I might add, just might be one of the most depressing tasks ever. I had unsubcribed from "BabyCenter" newsletters but they had kept coming. Every time I saw those email subjects like, "8 ways to beat morning sickness!," it was like a kick in the gut (my very unpregnant gut). I finally created a filter in my gmail account to relegate those emails to some deep dark folder in my archived mail.

I forgot that the folder even existed until today. I clicked on it accidentally as I was organizing some folders and then I saw it. An email from yesterday that said, "Your 12 month Old: Week 4." Only, I don't have a 12 month old. I just stared at it for a minute and blinked.

It didn't make me sad, I actually got angry. Damn you BabyCenter for having a shitastic unsubscribing feature and screw you for sending me emails for the last two years about the baby that never was. I immediately scrolled down to unsubscribe and then went to the website to make sure that this was the last time I had to do this. Just to add insult to injury, I had to edit "My Family", which meant deleting the child they had listed as being born on 5/25/12. Um, I'm pretty sure I didn't squeeze a kid out of my vagina 13 months ago. I'd like to think that I'd remember that.

After deleting the imaginary baby, a pop up on the screen said that they were sorry for my loss. Thanks. Now go sit on a tack.

Oh, and no hard feelings BabyCenter. When I do get pregnant, I will be subscribing to your newsletters again. And the next time I get a "Your 12 Month Old" email, you better believe that I'll be a proud (and possibly very tired) Mama to an active toddler. 

Living

Last week I made a list of things that I wanted to do this Summer. My goal was to have things to plan and look forward to that don't involve the 4 letter word (B-A-B-Y).

So far I have been knocking stuff off the list, including: going to get ice cream at a well known farm, making homemade lemonade, going to the beach and eating at a clam shack.



Yesterday was a perfect Summer day.

The beach was absolutely gorgeous and I just sat in the sand and let every detail sink in. The deep blue color of the sky, the warm wind off of the ocean, the spicy smell of the flowers that grow near the beach, the fine sand between my toes, the way the grass on the dunes swayed, the salty ocean breeze, the warmth of the sun and the sound of the waves. I stared out at the horizon and it felt good to feel small. It can be exhausting to constantly be thinking about this VERY LARGE thing-- having kids-- and it's nice to get some perspective. Despite our trials, the Earth still spins, the sun still rises and sets and the oceans still roar.

After the beach we went to a retro clam shack that I fell in love with immediately. I ordered the clam strip and fries combo and we sat outside at a picnic table assessing our tans and sharing onion rings and lemonade. Once I got home I enjoyed one of my all time favorite rituals-- the post beach trip shower. I got out of the shower, freshly cleaned, just in time to enjoy one of the other reasons Summer rocks-- thunderstorms.

Lenny and I watched the sky turn dark and then glow green before the sky opened up. I love feeling the thunder through the windows as the house shakes. I love seeing the rain pounding the pavement and creating rivers in mere minutes. After the rain passed I had a glass of homemade lemonade and I thought to myself, "Today was good." It's days like yesterday that feed my soul and remind me why I want to bring new life into this world. The world is ugly and beautiful and messy and wonderful all at the same time.

Grateful

When I first started reading up on IVF I came across a lot of entries and blogs about the horrible things that await you-- the injections, the side effects, etc. I can honestly say that my first IVF cycle was really not that bad. I didn't mind the injections, the meds, the monitoring. I didn't have many side effects and I was lucky that everything went well. Oh, except that I didn't get pregnant.

What I do find difficult is all of the waiting. We have another month or so before our FET and once again we are in limbo. I am trying to count my blessings, live in the now and enjoy every day instead of counting down the day but it's HARD. I keep looking at the date and I think, "Is it really still June???" I am very positive about the FET cycle and then today I had a thought.

What if it doesn't work?

We will keep going and trying-- most likely we will still have frozen embryos and then if THAT doesn't work, another fresh IVF cycle.

The actual process doesn't bother me. The waiting sucks the life out of me. Our next FET would probably be in September.... and then if that doesn't work? Our second IVF would be in November or December? I know that I'm getting ahead of myself (and hopefully I'll be knocked up by the middle of August), but WHAT IF.

I keep thinking that it will work but it's entirely possible that this round won't work and the next one won't. I see page after page in these infertility forums of women who did 2, 3, 4 rounds of IVF before getting their baby.

How much can I take? How much can we take?

I guess we will know when it's been enough. We are still in the beginning and I hope that we will be a "happy ending." I hope that next Father's day my husband will have a baby in his arms, but I'm not sure. I guess that's the point. None of us know. That's where faith comes in and trusting God or the universe or whatever you believe in that things will turn out OK, even if it's not how you pictured it.

I have to work on letting go. Letting go of this idea of what my life should look like. I thought by now I'd have one kid and another on the way. I don't. And I'm still alive.

I still enjoy my life, I still have SO much to be grateful for. I come home to my best friend every day and have experienced a love that I thought only existed in books or fairy tales. I have my family. I have my health. We have hope and possibility.

We drove to an ice cream stand on Saturday night and sat on the wooden gate while we slowly worked on our drippy cones. We people watched as we sat there as the Summer night grew around us. I thought about how I hope in a year or so I would think back to moments like this and feel nostalgic. Think about how nice it was that we could just think about ourselves and lay in bed all day if we felt like it. I hope that we are lucky enough to think about the "old days" when it was just the two of us.

I pray.

FET Protocol

This past Thursday we met with our doctor to discuss our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We chatted for a bit and she told us that my last cycle was perfect.... expect that we didn't get a baby out of it. She told us that we have good embryos left and is hopeful that we will be successful.

Initially the doctor told me to call when I get my period next. My cycles are so irregular that I knew that I'd be a disaster if I just had to wait for it and possibly be waiting for 40+ days. Thankfully she said that she will put me on birth control pills so we can plan everything better.

FET Protocol:

• Take BCP for 3 weeks, last pill will be 7/3
• Call with Cycle Day 1 (approximately 7/6)
• U/S and labwork on Cycle Day 2
• If everything looks OK, start estrogen
• U/S after about 12 days of estrogen to check lining (approximately 7/21)
• If the lining is 8mm or above, start progesterone + doxy
• If the lining is less than 8mm, continue estrogen and recheck U/S in a few days
• Transfer 6 days after starting progesterone (approximately 7/27)
• Pregnancy test 10 days after transfer (approximately 8/6)

We are very excited about this cycle and right now the only hard part is waiting! I made a "summer bucket list" to help us pass the time and have some fun this summer.

Looking Forward

Almost a week ago we found out that we were not pregnant from our first IVF cycle. In two days we will meet with the doctor to discuss our frozen embryo transfer (FET). I think that I've moved through all of the stages of grief in the last 6 days-- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and now acceptance. Now I'm excited about the FET and hope that we will get a healthy baby from it.

It still feels like we are in the middle of something exciting. In a few months we will be able to transfer our little embryo(s) and we will have the opportunity to bring life into this world again. 

The Day After

I'm definitely feeling better today. I can't believe that yesterday morning we were still hoping that we were pregnant. It feels like that was 200 lifetimes ago. It seems like it was all a dream and now I'm back to reality-- a place where I am always waiting for the next step, waiting to be pregnant.

We are meeting with the doctor in a week to discuss. I am not sure what the calendar looks like for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) but I am hoping that it's quick. I want to move as quickly as possible.

Right now my plan is:

1. Continue to lose weight.
2. Do yoga.
3. Make some acupuncture appointments.
4. Continue all of my vitamins.
5. Stay positive.

Let the infinite waiting resume.

Bad News

I got the call around 10:30AM yesterday. I was on the phone at work and I saw my cell phone ringing. I almost hung up on the client because I was so anxious to answer the phone and get the news. My heart was pounding so loudly and I instantly felt sick. I ran outside to call the clinic back.

The receptionist said, "It looks like the doctor was trying to reach you." The short version is that I am not pregnant. My HCG was at a 2, so the doctor thinks that maybe something started to implant and then stopped, possibly because it was abnormal. The doctor said that 60% of day 5 blastocysts are normal which means that 40% are abnormal. She told me that she knew we had great things ahead of us, that it just wasn't "the one" and that today was a day for indulgences.

I tried to keep it together while I was speaking to her. She told me to call her when I was ready to discuss the next step. I said, "You might think that I'm crazy but I'm ready now." More like, I was ready yesterday. I want to be a Mom.

Calling Lenny was tough. Really, really tough. As much as it hurts me to go through this, what hurts me more is the fact that Lenny has to go through this. I want to make him a Dad and give him that joy more than anything. The guilt that I feel can be absolutely overwhelming. I cried on the phone with him and had trouble calming myself down. It was awful.

Being the awesome husband that he is, he told me he was taking me out to dinner. I had hoped this would be a celebratory dinner but instead it was a drink some wine and let's be sad together dinner.

By the time we got home from dinner (7:30PM) I was exhausted. Just physically and emotionally done. My face hurt from crying and as much as I wanted to hang out for a bit and just be near Lenny, I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours.

It was a tough day but I still believe that we will have our babies. Someday.