Christmas Sans Baby

The holidays can be particularly difficult when you are dealing with infertility. Thankfully, I'm feeling pretty cheerful this December. Last year we were still dealing with losing the pregnancy so the holidays were a little less shiny. This year since we are still just waiting for my next cycle to start, I feel pretty free. I haven't checked my temperature and I'm not obsessed with getting knocked up. I know that soon we can start all of the tests, figure out what's going on and have a plan! Baby K 2013! (I was thinking of getting that as a bumper sticker but that might be awkward?)

This weekend I felt like a stereotypical non-mom. We took the dogs to get their picture with Santa on Saturday, which was ridiculously funny. I sent the photo to my mother (the woman who isn't know for her fondness of pets) and she responded, "It's cute! This is a new one for me." I'm sure my poor mother would have preferred a picture of  chubby kid on Santa's lap, but this year she's stuck with a picture of one dog in a sweater and one dog in a Patriot's jersey. Sorry Mom!

On Sunday we went to the mall to do some shopping and to get to Sephora, aka my heaven on earth, we walked right by Santa and the crazy long line filled with kids of all ages and stages of meltdown. At one point a cute little girl in a frilly dress ran out from the line right under my feet and I nearly tripped over her. Her mother looked at me and gave me the half laugh and smile that said, "I'm sorry my daughter nearly broke your neck, but isn't she cute??!" I smiled back but was thinking, "Lady, your kid aint that cute." I'm kidding, I promise. The little girl was adorable, but I do say these inappropriate things in my head and it makes me laugh... internally.

After surviving the mall we went home to wrap presents and relax. We sprawled out on the floor in front of the tree and wrapped up all of the presents that had in the house. This is what I'm focusing on this holiday season- being present and being grateful. I could look at our life and see a hole where a baby shoulda/woulda/coulda be, but that would be false and damaging. There is nothing lacking from our lives. We have each other, a loving family, a roof over our heads, jobs and our health. Baby or not, you bet that you can find us stringing up lights, drinking hot chocolate, wrapping presents, baking  and watching cheesy Christmas movies for the next few weeks.

First Appointment with the RE

Yesterday we had our first appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist. I wasn't too nervous about the appointment since I knew that we'd just be chatting and wouldn't be doing any testing but I was still anxious to get things going. When we got there we checked in and then sat in the waiting room. I love how awkward these situations can be and luckily Lenny has the same sense of humor. We spent the twenty minute wait commenting on the weird artwork in the lobby, the furniture and reading through scary pamphlets. One of them said something about how once you turn 30 you have less than 2% of your eggs left. Lenny looked at me and said, "How old are you again?" After calling him a jerk and laughing, the doctor came out to greet us.

The doctor was very friendly and nice but ran through everything super quickly. Luckily I have been reading a lot on infertility so I was familiar with the terms and tests that she mentioned. After going through our medical histories the doctor said that she would run a battery of tests on us first and then from there come up with a plan. She was very confident that I'd get pregnant, which was reassuring to both of us. We met with a nurse afterwards just to go over the tests that I'd have to take and to see if we had any questions. It was definitely overwhelming and I was happy that they gave us paperwork that went into more detail.

After the appointment we went out to lunch, which ended up being a great idea. It gave us time to discuss the serious stuff and laugh about the awkwardness of it all. I'd highly suggest having lunch or dinner after your first appointment with the RE-- it gives you something to look forward to and an opportunity to talk about things while they are still fresh in your mind.

Here are some things that I didn't know prior to the appointment. They had recommended that I get testing on Cycle Day 3 and 10, which seems to be pretty common from what I've read. My instructions were to call on the first day of my period and then from there they would give me additional instructions. Day 3 testing includes fasting lab work and day 10 includes lab work and an ultrasound.

If I knew this before hand I might have changed the date of my appointment a bit. It doesn't really matter but when we left we felt excited and empowered and now we just have to wait.... So if I had to redo it, I'd probably book the appointment a littler closer to when I'd be expecting my period.

The doctor gave me a list of vitamins to take- a multi, vitamin D, calcium, folic acid and fish oil. I had some of those but will order the fish oil online and plan to buy some calcium/vitamin D chews.

So that's it for now-- we are playing a waiting game but  have to say that is feels AMAZING to not have to think or worry about getting pregnant this month. The doctor told me to throw away my thermometer and stop tracking my temperature. We are both excited to see what's next and we feel much better knowing that we are on our way to (hopefully) starting our family.

Tips For Dealing with Infertility I've Learned (So Far)

1. Banish the word "should" from your vocabulary. Stop thinking things like, "I should have had a baby by now," or "If that pregnancy had been successful, I should have a 3 month old right now." A lot of our grief comes from thinking about what might have been. As difficult as it is, you have to let go. This is the way that your life is and this is your journey. It may be much different than what you thought, but you can't change that.

2. Trust yourself. People are going to give you all sorts of advice, solicited or unsolicited. People will tell you what worked for them, their sister, their hairdresser, their friend's friend's ex sister in law. Remind yourself that they are giving you advice because they care. Then cover your ears (I'm only half serious). You know yourself and your marriage and your body better than anyone else. Do what feels right for you.

I was very interested in tracking my basal body temperature when I first started trying to conceive. I thought that it was interesting and I liked knowing what was going on with my body. My family members and friends thought that I was nuts, that I was stressing myself out. I heard over and over again that I should stop. I did for one month and you know what, it stressed me out. When I went to meet with my doctor yesterday I was able to provide over a years worth of data-- when I ovulated, when I didn't, what my cycles looked like etc. I had information, I knew my body and I felt in control. I was so incredibly thankful that I had listened to myself and tracked my information.

So no matter what people say, do what feels right for you and your family. Again, repeat after me, trust yourself.

3. Refocus your energy. Baby fever is real my friends. For the first few months of ttc I spent a lot of time online looking at maternity clothes and baby clothes and researching strollers. It felt good and exciting and new. About 10 months later it was just down right depressing. I decided to stop. Use this time to refocus your energy on something that doesn't involve waiting for 2 pink lines. Train for a 10K race, cook your way through your favorite cook book, host a dinner party, start a new workout program, create a list of books to read, etc. It feels good to have something else to think about and it keeps you from getting into a funk.

4. Live your life. This one ties in to #3 but expands on the idea that your life shouldn't be on pause. For a long time I lived that way. It felt like pregnancy was just around the corner. We didn't touch the extra bedroom (aka a storage room) because that was going to be the baby's room and there was no point in painting it twice. I didn't drink from about seven days after ovulation to when I got my period just in case I was pregnant. I didn't like to plan vacations because I thought, I might be pregnant. Eventually I realized that I was living like a hostage. My advice is to live your life. Go on vacation, go after that new job, train for that marathon and paint that extra bedroom. Keep your sanity girl and stop living on pause.

5. Reach out. Talk to people. Whether it's your sister, cousin, friend or anonymously in an online forum, talk about this experience. Fertility issues can be very isolating and it's easy to feel alone. Often I find that talking to someone else who is going through this makes me feel a million times better. I remember the day I found out that my hairdresser had been dealing with several miscarriages. She said, "It sucks." No truer words had ever been spoken.

6. Know someone dealing with fertility issues? I always think about this. What would I say to someone who is dealing with infertility. I find that I can never think of anything clever or meaningful or helpful. Because honestly, no words are. I always come back to the same fours words: I know this sucks. This is just from personal experience but hearing "it's going to be OK" or "It will all be fine" doesn't really help. I don't say this to be mean because I know that it must be weird and uncomfortable to offer words of comfort to someone dealing with a sucky situation. What does help? Acknowledgement that it's tough. Saying that you're there for them, no matter what they need. Go out to dinner with them, invite them over for a movie night. Also respect it if they don't want to talk about.

I have never been annoyed when someone asks how it's going. At least for me, it's something that I can always talk about. Most of the time I have to remind myself that normal people don't talk about ovulating and cervical mucous. I always appreciate an opportunity to vent a little.

Of course, everyone is different and sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. I do have one additional piece of advice. Don't ever tell someone that it will happen if they just relax or to go on a vacation. Ever. You've been warned...

Final words: Every person is different and every situation is different. What works for me may not work for you. The most important thing to remember is that you aren't alone. Fertility issues come with so many different emotions and it can be difficult to navigate. When things do get tough, go back to the basics. Do something that brings you joy whether it's painting or baking or taking the dogs for a walk. Sometimes we need a reminder that life is good and that even though we may be yearning to start a family, there is still plenty to be thankful in our lives.

Reality

For the last few months I've had a sneaking suspicion that for us, having a baby is just not going to be easy. I held on tight to the hope that maybe this will be IT. As every month would pass I could see the calendar pages flipping in my mind, slowly ticking the time away. I spoke to my doctor in September and she said, "If you aren't pregnant by November, make an appointment with me and we'll chat."

I remember feeling nervous and relieved. Relieved because we had a plan, but nervous because I didn't know what the future held. The morning that I called my doctor's office to make the appointment I had a moment. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, both hands planted firmly on the counter. I studied my face in the reflection and said out loud to myself and the universe, "I give up."

Those words set me free. I wasn't giving up on having a family, I was letting go. I was going to allow myself to take the next step. It was OK that maybe our journey was going to be different than we had planned.

Fast forward to this morning. My doctor's appointment was at 10:30AM and I was anxious. I started off the day on a healthy foot with a glass of water mixed with apple cider vinegar and a cup of green tea. I took another pregnancy test because man that would be a great story! After throwing out another negative pregnancy test, I started to get ready to leave the house.
 

 

After waiting what felt like an eternity, the doctor came in and asked me how things had been going. I grabbed all of my papers and charts (when did I become that woman?) and gave her all the information that I had. She jotted down my period dates and my ovulation dates. She paused. That's when she said it. "I think that you're having an ovulation issue and while I could give you medication, I think the better idea would be to have you see a reproductive endocrinologist." I nodded and said that sounded great. She left the room to get some information for me.

I can't say that I was surprised. It still felt like a slap on my face. This was happening. I was going to see a fertility specialist. I was becoming a story. You know how everyone has a, "Oh my friend's hair dresser had tired to get pregnant for four years before going for fertility treatments. It didn't work but then when they went on a vacation, BOOM she got pregnant!" I was going to be a story. Hopefully a successful one.

 

The doctor came back in the room and gave me in the information. Bless her soul, she really seemed to care. She told me that she would be waiting for the good news and as soon as I was pregnant, she'd take over my care. She told me that she hoped 2013 would be my year. Me and you both, sister.

I made it to my car in one piece. I called my husband and was able to give him the play by play. With no hesitation he said, "that's great"! He was genuinely excited. I burst into tears. In the sweetest way possible, and in such typical guy fashion he said, "Babe, I don't know why you're crying."

Why?

Because I'm broken. I feel like a failure. I'm scared. I'm petrified. And simply, this sucks.

I sat in my car for a few minutes in silence as the rain tapped at my windows. I made a decision. I had one day. One day to throw a pity party, one day to be angry at the world, one day to ask "why me, why us." And that was it. Come 12:01AM November 14th, no more. I am going to forge on and do everything that I can to make a freaking baby.

And that's not all. I am going to count my blessings and enjoy every day. I'm going to live and love the life I have and love with all of my heart. Maybe most importantly I'm going to love myself like hell.

When I got home I sat down and called to book an appointment with the fertility center. It felt good. And scary. One step forward. I had to run out to get something from CVS and like always I was distracted by the makeup aisles. I allowed myself one pity party purchase-- a new red lipstick.

I have less than three hours left to wallow but to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good. Tomorrow is a new day.

Sundays

Over the last few months we have organically started a new Sunday morning tradition. I'm a traditions type of gal. I love the idea of  having certain rituals for holidays, special occasions or days of the week. I think that it helps create memories and a sense of belonging.

My problem is that I tend to force traditions by over thinking about what would be fun and awesome and then I do hours of research on the internet and declare "This is our new [fill in the blank] tradition!" What I have learned is that real traditions aren't forced. They just happen. That's what makes them special. A few months ago we woke up early one Sunday and decided to run to a local hole in the wall donut shop, which is so not like us. We eat at home all of the time. From the outside the place didn't look like anything special (isn't it always that way). That first time I bought an egg sandwich and had a bite of my husband's donut.

It was amazing.

The very next Sunday we woke up, looked at each other and said, "breakfast?" We haven't missed a single Sunday morning since. Of course now we have it down to a science: we split an egg sandwich and get a few donut holes to share. When we come home I cut the bagel in half (I'm not kidding-- this place is so basic they leave the bagel hole), Lenny grabs the napkins and the drinks.

Yes, I know that bagels and donuts are not the healthiest way to start the day but what I do know that this ritual is good for my soul and good for our little family. It's a nice way to make every Sunday a little more special.

This Sunday I went *crazy* and got a small coffee...

After breakfast we did some things around the house and then I decided to spend the afternoon doing "Fall" things. I went to my local nursery and bought a pumpkin and mums. 

When I got home I broke out the Fall decor, which included glittered up leaves. I can't be stopped when it comes to holidays. I have no shame. I cut out paper hearts for Valentine's Day, I put up fake ghosts for Halloween and string garland on my kitchen shelf for the Spring.

 This morning I made myself breakfast, which included peanut butter on whole wheat toast, grapes, iced water and a homemade vanilla chai latte. 

In other news, I weighed myself on Saturday and I lost two pounds from my weight last week! A small number, but I will take it. Here is the plan for this week. It's a little light only because we are having a BBQ on Sunday and Saturday and Sunday are going to be pretty booked up.:

• tonight: meal plan for the week
• tomorrow: go food shopping, prep foods/snacks, week 2 workout 1 of couch to 5K, a weight training workout found here.
• Wednesday: weight training workout, hour walk
• Thursday: off (we are babysitting our neighbor's daughter)
• Friday: week 2 workout 2 of C25K
• Saturday: off
• Sunday: off



Tornado Warning

Happy Weekend!

Let's rewind back to Thursday night. I got home from work, poured myself a huge thermos of water (with lemon of course), put on my workout clothes and went for a run to complete week 1 workout 2 of couch to 5K. It only took me 30 minutes and I got back with plenty of time to eat dinner and get ready for the next day.

It felt amazing and I was really proud of myself. Working out after work is not one of my strengths. I tend to come home and crash. I think the key for me is to change into exercise gear and put my sneakers on as soon as I come home. At that point I think to myself, "I already have my sneakers on..."

Yesterday was a busy, busy day. I drove to NY to attend one of my high school friend's bridal showers. I had to work today so it was a one day trip. I woke up bright and early, drove to my parents' house, spent an hour there, popped in to see my sister and nieces and then drove to my friend's apartments so we could carpool to the bridal shower. After the shower we went back to my friend's apartment and I headed back to Massachusetts. It was a long day but a really fun one. I got to see a lot of people crammed into a short amount of time.

While in New York I encountered some crazy weather which included storms, rain and a tornado warning. I felt like I should have been in a van tracking the storm:

The storm followed me home and around 9PM last night we got some heavy rain. It was nice to be inside hanging out with my favorite people. :)

I'd LOVE to do week 1 workout 3 today but I honestly don't know if I have it in me. On the agenda this evening: the first Patriots' game of the season. Someone in my house is super pumped! (and it's not me).

Breaking the Ice and the Benefits of Tea

My usual breakfast choices are pretty boring. Old fashioned oatmeal made with water, whole wheat toast with peanut butter, quinoa with cinnamon or on my days off-- eggs.

I have gotten SO sick of the rotation that last week I bought these organic Van's waffles. It's been a nice change of pace.

 

Lunch was a bit of a sodium bomb-- a veggie burger in a whole wheat wrap, cucumbers, pickle, green tea and water.

Last night I was a woman on a mission. I was determined to send out at least one resume so I took my lap top upstairs, got out my notebook and picked one of the organizations off of my list. I spent some time perusing their website and reading about their mission. It was definitely a place that I could picture myself at. They weren't currently hiring but I found a section about volunteer opportunities. I filled it out, attached my resume and said a prayer.

It was a pretty small step but it broke the ice. Now I'm officially new career hunting and it feels amazing. Tonight my goal is to complete Week 1 Workout 2 of couch to 5K. I keep telling myself, "it's only 30 minutes out of your day." Please hold while I do that calculation...

That is only 2.08% of the day, which is really not asking for much.

Also, on a side note I brought some green tea with me to work because I read an article about the health benefits of tea yesterday. I thought that I'd share some:

1. Tea can boost exercise endurance. Scientists found the catechins (antioxidants) in green tea extract increase the body’s ability to burn fat as fuel, which accounts for improved muscle endurance^[1].

2. Drinking tea might reduce the risk of heart attack. Tea might also help protect against cardiovascular and degenerative diseases^[2].

3. Tea is hydrating to the body (even despite the caffeine!)^[13].

4. Tea might provide protection from ultraviolet rays. We know it’s important to limit exposure to UV rays, and we all know what it’s like to feel the burn. The good news is that green tea may act as a back-up sunscreen^[15].

5. Tea could be beneficial to people with Type II diabetes. Studies suggest that compounds in green tea could help diabetics better process sugars^[18].

6. Green tea has been found to improve bone mineral density and strength^[20].

Rainy Day

What a perfect day to sleep in! It was one of those mornings that I laid in bed as long as I possibly could so I could enjoy the sound of the rain on the windows. Eventually I had to get my butt to work. The beautiful view from my car:

Once I got to work I made myself a Van's flax waffle and topped it with sliced bananas (it looks unappetizing but it was delicious). Bottle of water on the side. 

From Around the Web:

• Have some time to kill while traveling or feel the need to destress and stretch while at work? Try the poses in this yoga infographic.

• Did you know that about 80% of the sodium consumed by Americans come from processed foods, not from the salt that is added during cooking or at the table? Get more info on salt here.

• Ever look at an ingredient list and wonder what diacylglycerol or alginate was? Get the breakdown here.

• The Food Network just launched a new healthy food blog called "Healthy Eats". If you want to check it out, click here. 



One Thing Left

It's 5:30PM and I have done almost everything that I wanted to accomplish today. For lunch I made a wrap with black beans, salsa and some sliced avocado. On the side I had some cucumbers with pepper and vinegar.

 

After lunch I kept my eye on the sky and when it stopped raining I decided to take my chances and go out for a walk/run. I completed week one workout one of Couch to 5K. It felt so good to get running again, even if it was only 60 seconds at a time.

 

When I got home I took out the yoga mat and spent about 20 minutes going through poses.  I followed it up with a heating pad session and a huge thermos of lemon water.

I just finished packing up my meals and snacks for tomorrow and got some veggies ready for the rest of the week. I sliced some cucumbers and celery to snack on and trimmed the string beans to make it easier to steam them as a side dish.

The only thing left on my list.... send out a resume. I'm nervous about it. I have been working on my resume all week but I still don't feel like it's perfect. It's funny how scary it can be to put yourself out there. If you don't try something you can't fail at it. I know that once I start sending out resumes and hopefully get interviews, I'll either be successful or I won't be. Right now my plan is to keep knocking on doors until I get my foot (or hand or pinky finger) in the door.

C25K

Last night I decided that I was going to re-start Couch to 5K. I have been going for hour long walks on my days off, but I think that it's time to kick it up a notch. My plan was to start week one, day one today, but it looks pretty lousy out. I'm hoping the rain will break later today. I downloaded an app on my phone so I should be ready to go!

This morning I made myself a flax waffle topped with crunchy, unsalted peanut butter and poured myself a huge glass of lemon water. I am obsessed with lemon water. Can't.get.enough.

 

My plan for the day:

1. Couch to 5K
2. Send out at least one resume
3. Pack meals/snacks for work tomorrow
4. Yoga

My To Do List

As I was brushing my teeth this morning I created a "to do" list on my phone (can we do anything these days without multitasking?). My list looked like this:

1. Look up small containers for peanut butter
2. Blog??
3. Walk!!!!!

This list is actually pretty revealing about me (in addition to showing that I seriously overuse punctuation). Let me explain.

1. I pack all of my meals and snacks for work for several reasons. Well, actually two reasons. It's cheaper and it's healthier. I have acquired a reputation at work for bringing in "weird" things like green juice, seaweed snacks and quiona. I also have a reputation for using an assortment of items to contain my meals and snacks. I put my oatmeal in empty peanut butter jars, put salad dressing in baggies (how else do people bring salad dressing in?) and when all else fails I bring food in bowls and mugs from home. For example, I couldn't find a good way to transport a tablespoon of peanut butter to work so I put it in an espresso cup and slapped some aluminum foil on top. I need to find another solution so I can stop getting the hairy eyeball look from my coworkers.

2. I have decided that it's time to resurrect my blogging hobby. I don't plan to make money off of this endeavor or make a career out of it. Don't get me wrong, if it happens I will certainly be thrilled, but I also know that there are a ton of "healthy living" blogs out there. I'm starting this blog to keep myself accountable and to have a place where I can process my thoughts and record my journey. There is something so different about posting blogs than writing in a personal journal. It feels good.

3. Walk. I am trying to exercise more for a million reasons. To be frank, I'm overweight, I'd like to have a job working in public health, my husband and I are trying to have a baby and I just want to feel good in my skin. Not to mention that it's just important to be active to be healthy, regardless of what your weight is.
So there you have it. I'm a 28 year old married woman looking to start a family and become a healthier, more balanced, happier me. Watch me go.