Pregnancy After Infertility

When we learned that IVF would be the best chance for us to get pregnant, I became obsessed with finding infertility blogs and reading about women's journey through all of the testing, injections and all the heartbreak and losses that are part of this process. I would always get so excited when I read about the successes-- the pregnancies and growing bumps, the weekly pregnancy updates, the healthy babies. Inevitably there would be a post about adjusting to pregnancy after going through IVF.

I never understood it. People talked about the guilt and I would always think, If I ever get pregnant, there will be none of that. I will be so excited that there is no way that I'd have those feelings.

And yet, here I am on the eve of my 12th week of pregnancy and I get it. When we realized that getting pregnant wasn't going to be easy for us, I asked "Why me, why us?," and now that I'm pregnant, I find myself asking the same exact question, "Why me, why us?"

I still read a lot of infertility blogs and I see that there are countless women who are still living in their personal nightmare. Still going for fertility treatments, still regrouping, still asking what's next, still trying, still hoping. I ask myself why these women, who want children as badly as I did are still waiting for their miracle? Why are we so lucky that it only took us three months to get pregnant after I started my very first injection?

I guess it's not my place to ask. God has his plan that we can't begin to understand.

It's been almost two months since I took that first beautiful pregnancy test and I can say that I'm still waiting for my emotional breakthrough. I cried tears of joy that afternoon after seeing those two lines, but since then I've barely shed a tear. I still feel like I'm in a state of shock. Whenever I see my two little loves during ultrasound, I'm in awe and I'm amazed, but it still feels surreal. I can see my stomach rounding, I can feel my clothes getting tight, I have been tired, nauseous, had heartburn and dozens of other symptoms, but I feel like I'm playing pregnant and I'm not sure when it will sink in for me.

There is this fear holding me back. That this is too good to be true. That we really can't be THIS happy. It's waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's praying that the other shoe doesn't drop.

So here I am, about to start my 12th week of my pregnancy and I'm still adjusting to being pregnant. Or rather, trying to accept that I'm pregnant with two precious little souls. I keep telling myself that when I see them this Thursday during my next ultrasound, that will be IT. It will feel real and I will be able to get past this. I've also said that before... when we see the heartbeat... when we have our next ultrasound... when I begin to show.

I do know one thing, when it does hit me, my heart will surely explode because there is no way that it can contain all of the gratitude, excitement and love I have thinking about becoming a Mom.

To everyone still in the depths of infertility. My thoughts are with you. My heart breaks with you. Above all, I keep the faith with you. I hope that everyone will get their miracle, one way or another.