When we learned that IVF would be the best chance for us to get pregnant, I became obsessed with finding infertility blogs and reading about women's journey through all of the testing, injections and all the heartbreak and losses that are part of this process. I would always get so excited when I read about the successes-- the pregnancies and growing bumps, the weekly pregnancy updates, the healthy babies. Inevitably there would be a post about adjusting to pregnancy after going through IVF.
I never understood it. People talked about the guilt and I would always think, If I ever get pregnant, there will be none of that. I will be so excited that there is no way that I'd have those feelings.
And yet, here I am on the eve of my 12th week of pregnancy and I get it. When we realized that getting pregnant wasn't going to be easy for us, I asked "Why me, why us?," and now that I'm pregnant, I find myself asking the same exact question, "Why me, why us?"
I still read a lot of infertility blogs and I see that there are countless women who are still living in their personal nightmare. Still going for fertility treatments, still regrouping, still asking what's next, still trying, still hoping. I ask myself why these women, who want children as badly as I did are still waiting for their miracle? Why are we so lucky that it only took us three months to get pregnant after I started my very first injection?
I guess it's not my place to ask. God has his plan that we can't begin to understand.
It's been almost two months since I took that first beautiful pregnancy test and I can say that I'm still waiting for my emotional breakthrough. I cried tears of joy that afternoon after seeing those two lines, but since then I've barely shed a tear. I still feel like I'm in a state of shock. Whenever I see my two little loves during ultrasound, I'm in awe and I'm amazed, but it still feels surreal. I can see my stomach rounding, I can feel my clothes getting tight, I have been tired, nauseous, had heartburn and dozens of other symptoms, but I feel like I'm playing pregnant and I'm not sure when it will sink in for me.
There is this fear holding me back. That this is too good to be true. That we really can't be THIS happy. It's waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's praying that the other shoe doesn't drop.
So here I am, about to start my 12th week of my pregnancy and I'm still adjusting to being pregnant. Or rather, trying to accept that I'm pregnant with two precious little souls. I keep telling myself that when I see them this Thursday during my next ultrasound, that will be IT. It will feel real and I will be able to get past this. I've also said that before... when we see the heartbeat... when we have our next ultrasound... when I begin to show.
I do know one thing, when it does hit me, my heart will surely explode because there is no way that it can contain all of the gratitude, excitement and love I have thinking about becoming a Mom.
To everyone still in the depths of infertility. My thoughts are with you. My heart breaks with you. Above all, I keep the faith with you. I hope that everyone will get their miracle, one way or another.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
10 Weeks
How far along? 10 Weeks 6 days
How big is baby? The babies are a bit bigger than a prune. (Sorry for comparing you to a wrinkly, ugly thing!)
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but I did order a couple of shirts and a dress because of a great sale! I probably won't need them for a while.
Sleep: I was still tired at the beginning of the week but by the end of week 10 I noticed a shift. I don't feel as tired now.
Best moment this week: Starting to tell more people in our family. It was very special and emotional. A lot of people really love these little babies already.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still olives and chex mix. Apparently I like salt? Apple cider tastes awesome too.
Food Aversions: Eggs. Some veggies.
Gender: Too early to know, but we are one week closer to finding out!
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: Feeling bloated, gassy, hungry.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Alright, I'll admit it. I miss being able to drink a glass of wine.
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound. Having an actual bump that looks like a baby and not like I'm just getting pudgy.
Upcoming appointments/events: October 28th.
Milestones: Telling my nieces that they are getting two baby cousins!
Bump Picture: Bloated and on some days a noticeable bump to me. Still not enough for someone to KNOW that I'm pregnant.
How big is baby? The babies are a bit bigger than a prune. (Sorry for comparing you to a wrinkly, ugly thing!)
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but I did order a couple of shirts and a dress because of a great sale! I probably won't need them for a while.
Sleep: I was still tired at the beginning of the week but by the end of week 10 I noticed a shift. I don't feel as tired now.
Best moment this week: Starting to tell more people in our family. It was very special and emotional. A lot of people really love these little babies already.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still olives and chex mix. Apparently I like salt? Apple cider tastes awesome too.
Food Aversions: Eggs. Some veggies.
Gender: Too early to know, but we are one week closer to finding out!
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: Feeling bloated, gassy, hungry.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Alright, I'll admit it. I miss being able to drink a glass of wine.
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound. Having an actual bump that looks like a baby and not like I'm just getting pudgy.
Upcoming appointments/events: October 28th.
Milestones: Telling my nieces that they are getting two baby cousins!
Bump Picture: Bloated and on some days a noticeable bump to me. Still not enough for someone to KNOW that I'm pregnant.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
9 Weeks
How far along? 9 Weeks 6 days
How big is baby? The babies are each a little over an inch long.
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Sleep: I wish that I could sleep ALL of the time. My sleep is getting more restless-- I feel achier and can't get comfortable. I'm also still getting up to pee a few times.
Best moment this week: Seeing the babies! We saw them bouncing around and waving their limbs. Baby A's heartbeat was 164 and Baby B's was 171. Everything looked great.
Movement: None that I can feel, but they are definitely moving around in there!
Food cravings: Olives. Traditional check mix... those little rye chips are amazing. Also, sour patch kids. The red ones of course.
Food Aversions: Nothing specific, but certain things just don't sound good at a particular moment. Tangerines and tomatoes make the list.
Gender: Too early to know, but my prediction this week is one boy and one girl.
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: FATIGUE, strong sense of smell, frequent urination, feeling bloated, gassy... all the lovely stuff.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Still absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Having a bump!
Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/30.
Milestones: Seeing the heartbeats at 10 weeks. Amazing.
Bump Picture: Major bloat but no bump.
How big is baby? The babies are each a little over an inch long.
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Sleep: I wish that I could sleep ALL of the time. My sleep is getting more restless-- I feel achier and can't get comfortable. I'm also still getting up to pee a few times.
Best moment this week: Seeing the babies! We saw them bouncing around and waving their limbs. Baby A's heartbeat was 164 and Baby B's was 171. Everything looked great.
Movement: None that I can feel, but they are definitely moving around in there!
Food cravings: Olives. Traditional check mix... those little rye chips are amazing. Also, sour patch kids. The red ones of course.
Food Aversions: Nothing specific, but certain things just don't sound good at a particular moment. Tangerines and tomatoes make the list.
Gender: Too early to know, but my prediction this week is one boy and one girl.
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: FATIGUE, strong sense of smell, frequent urination, feeling bloated, gassy... all the lovely stuff.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Still absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Having a bump!
Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/30.
Milestones: Seeing the heartbeats at 10 weeks. Amazing.
Bump Picture: Major bloat but no bump.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
8 Weeks
How far along? 8 Weeks 6 days
How big is baby? The babies are each half an inch big.
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Sleep: Still my favorite thing to do. Still sleeping 10-12 hours a day and some days I can't shake the exhaustion. Still getting up to pee a few times a night. The crazy and weird dreams have also begun this week.
Best moment this week: Telling our immediate family that we are expecting! It was hysterical to shock them twice- we are pregnant.... with TWINS. The reactions were priceless.
Movement: No, but apparently the babies are moving around in there at this point.
Food cravings: None really. I had some olives at my cousin's weddings though and they tasted SO good. Now that I think about it, I should go buy a jar...
Food Aversions: One day everything that I ate tasted bitter and weird. It's definitely a day-by-day thing with me.
Gender: Too early to know, but I'm feeling two boys or one boy and one girl.
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: Sore breasts, nipples looking weird and dark, fatigue, strange dreams, frequent urination at night, bitter taste in mouth, forgetful.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Still absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in one weeks!
Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/24 and I will have an ultrasound.
Milestones: Telling our parents and siblings. It made things so much more real and amazing.
Bump Picture: No bump yet but there is definite bloat going on.
How big is baby? The babies are each half an inch big.
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Sleep: Still my favorite thing to do. Still sleeping 10-12 hours a day and some days I can't shake the exhaustion. Still getting up to pee a few times a night. The crazy and weird dreams have also begun this week.
Best moment this week: Telling our immediate family that we are expecting! It was hysterical to shock them twice- we are pregnant.... with TWINS. The reactions were priceless.
Movement: No, but apparently the babies are moving around in there at this point.
Food cravings: None really. I had some olives at my cousin's weddings though and they tasted SO good. Now that I think about it, I should go buy a jar...
Food Aversions: One day everything that I ate tasted bitter and weird. It's definitely a day-by-day thing with me.
Gender: Too early to know, but I'm feeling two boys or one boy and one girl.
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: Sore breasts, nipples looking weird and dark, fatigue, strange dreams, frequent urination at night, bitter taste in mouth, forgetful.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Still absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in one weeks!
Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/24 and I will have an ultrasound.
Milestones: Telling our parents and siblings. It made things so much more real and amazing.
Bump Picture: No bump yet but there is definite bloat going on.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
First OB Appointment
Yesterday was my first OB appointment and I was excited and nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect since I've never actually had a regular, "Hi, I'm pregnant" doctor's appointment.My doctor was running 20 minutes late so I sat there and waited with about 5 very pregnant women. It was nice to not feel the need to give them dirty looks because, hell, I'm pregnant too!
The nurse called me in and took my weight and then asked me if I could provide a urine sample. I had gone to the bathroom before I left the house because I didn't think I could hold it for another 30 minutes so I told her that I wasn't sure if I had to go. She looked at me and said, "Well we need a urine sample to confirm your pregnancy." I'm sure that it's just protocol but I wanted to tell her that I'm pretty sure that three blood tests and one ultrasound is good confirmation of pregnancy. I was able to produce a sample and she came in the room and said, "Congrats, you are pregnant!" I almost laughed out loud. Thanks for the news!
After waiting pantless for 20 minutes, the doctor finally came in and quickly went over what happened at the fertility clinic. She did a pap smear and took some cultures and that was it. I think I met with her for about 4 minutes. We scheduled the next appointment for 9/24 and I'm going to have another ultrasound and meet with her again. The first OB appointment was a bit of a disappointment, but I'm excited about seeing the babies in two weeks.
The nurse called me in and took my weight and then asked me if I could provide a urine sample. I had gone to the bathroom before I left the house because I didn't think I could hold it for another 30 minutes so I told her that I wasn't sure if I had to go. She looked at me and said, "Well we need a urine sample to confirm your pregnancy." I'm sure that it's just protocol but I wanted to tell her that I'm pretty sure that three blood tests and one ultrasound is good confirmation of pregnancy. I was able to produce a sample and she came in the room and said, "Congrats, you are pregnant!" I almost laughed out loud. Thanks for the news!
After waiting pantless for 20 minutes, the doctor finally came in and quickly went over what happened at the fertility clinic. She did a pap smear and took some cultures and that was it. I think I met with her for about 4 minutes. We scheduled the next appointment for 9/24 and I'm going to have another ultrasound and meet with her again. The first OB appointment was a bit of a disappointment, but I'm excited about seeing the babies in two weeks.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
7 Weeks
How far along? 7 Weeks 6 days
How big is baby? We have two blueberries!
Total weight gain/loss: Up a few pounds from last week, which is still below my pre-pregnancy weight.
Maternity clothes? No but it seems like my pants are getting tight around the waist.
Sleep: My favorite activity EVER. This week had brought some serious fatigue. As in, I can sleep 11 hours and still need a nap... and still be tired.
Best moment this week: Telling our immediate family!
Movement: No.
Food cravings: Sushi. Avocado rolls or cooked shrimp rolls. Yum!
Food Aversions: None.
Gender: Not sure.
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: My sense of smell has been heightened this week. The area around my desk smelled so funky the other day that I had to hunt down a febreeze before I could spend one more minute at my desk. My coworker's cinnamon latte made the room smell like cupcakes for hours. I feel like a hound dog. Boobs are still sore. I am tired all of the time. No amount of sleep helps. Some days I'm starving and then some days I don't want to eat. I also have a sexy cold sore on my lip thanks to my reduced immune system.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in two weeks!
Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/24 and I will have an ultrasound! I can't wait to see the beans.
Milestones: My first OB appointment and getting the "congrats you're pregnant" goodie bag.
Bump Picture: No bump.
How big is baby? We have two blueberries!
Total weight gain/loss: Up a few pounds from last week, which is still below my pre-pregnancy weight.
Maternity clothes? No but it seems like my pants are getting tight around the waist.
Sleep: My favorite activity EVER. This week had brought some serious fatigue. As in, I can sleep 11 hours and still need a nap... and still be tired.
Best moment this week: Telling our immediate family!
Movement: No.
Food cravings: Sushi. Avocado rolls or cooked shrimp rolls. Yum!
Food Aversions: None.
Gender: Not sure.
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: My sense of smell has been heightened this week. The area around my desk smelled so funky the other day that I had to hunt down a febreeze before I could spend one more minute at my desk. My coworker's cinnamon latte made the room smell like cupcakes for hours. I feel like a hound dog. Boobs are still sore. I am tired all of the time. No amount of sleep helps. Some days I'm starving and then some days I don't want to eat. I also have a sexy cold sore on my lip thanks to my reduced immune system.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in two weeks!
Upcoming appointments/events: My next OB appointment is on 9/24 and I will have an ultrasound! I can't wait to see the beans.
Milestones: My first OB appointment and getting the "congrats you're pregnant" goodie bag.
Bump Picture: No bump.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
6 Weeks
How far along? 6 Weeks 6 days
How big is baby? According to my books, babies are the size of a sweet pea
Total weight gain/loss: Loss of about 5 lbs, which surprised me!
Maternity clothes? No.
Sleep: I'm not sleeping as well as last week. I'm more restless during the night and am still waking up multiple times to pee. I LOVE sleeping though because this fatigue is kicking my butt. One night I slept 11 hours and STILL took an hour nap.
Best moment this week: Seeing the heartbeats. Finding out we are having twins. Pretty much the most amazing moment of my life, hands down.
Movement: No.
Food cravings: Cereal, anything carb-tastic.
Food Aversions: Nothing really. It's more that nothing sounds good except bread and crackers and cereal and pasta... you get the idea.
Gender: No idea, but it's crazy to think that we could have two girls, two boys or one and one!
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: Still tired all of the time. Sore boobs, nipples are getting darker in color, no nausea, but I just don't feel like eating much. And then sometimes I'm starving and I need to eat every hour.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Our first OB appoinment scheduled for September 10th.
Upcoming appointments/events: OB appointment next Tuesday.
Milestones: Seeing the freaking heartbeats! Coolest thing ever. Also, finally being able to go home with ultrasound pictures of our babies. Oh, and Monday night was my last injection for a looooooong time. Amen to that.
Bump Picture: No bump. I saw all of these pictures online of women who had little bumps at 7 weeks and it freaked me out! I'm sure I will be showing soon enough with these two little beans.
How big is baby? According to my books, babies are the size of a sweet pea
Total weight gain/loss: Loss of about 5 lbs, which surprised me!
Maternity clothes? No.
Sleep: I'm not sleeping as well as last week. I'm more restless during the night and am still waking up multiple times to pee. I LOVE sleeping though because this fatigue is kicking my butt. One night I slept 11 hours and STILL took an hour nap.
Best moment this week: Seeing the heartbeats. Finding out we are having twins. Pretty much the most amazing moment of my life, hands down.
Movement: No.
Food cravings: Cereal, anything carb-tastic.
Food Aversions: Nothing really. It's more that nothing sounds good except bread and crackers and cereal and pasta... you get the idea.
Gender: No idea, but it's crazy to think that we could have two girls, two boys or one and one!
Labor Signs: n/a
Pregnancy Symptoms: Still tired all of the time. Sore boobs, nipples are getting darker in color, no nausea, but I just don't feel like eating much. And then sometimes I'm starving and I need to eat every hour.
Belly Button in or out? In .
What I miss: Absolutely nothing.
What I am looking forward to: Our first OB appoinment scheduled for September 10th.
Upcoming appointments/events: OB appointment next Tuesday.
Milestones: Seeing the freaking heartbeats! Coolest thing ever. Also, finally being able to go home with ultrasound pictures of our babies. Oh, and Monday night was my last injection for a looooooong time. Amen to that.
Bump Picture: No bump. I saw all of these pictures online of women who had little bumps at 7 weeks and it freaked me out! I'm sure I will be showing soon enough with these two little beans.
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