Stubborn Love

"It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all. The opposite of love's indifference"

This line from the Lumineer's song, Stubborn Love, has been my mantra lately. I remind myself that everything I feel, including the pain, the doubt, the sadness, is because I love my husband and want to start a family with him. It all comes from a place of love.

Today was... well, interesting. This morning I had to drop off a "sample" at the lab and I was running late. I frantically called the clinic to let them know and rushed to get there as quickly as I could. In my haste I ended up tapping the car in front of me when I didn't slow down fast enough for traffic. Instantly my heart jumped into my throat. Was this really happening? I looked down at the tube between my knees and thought, "This sample is going to go to waste."He is going to kill me. My guardian angel was looking out for me and the driver just waved at me and kept going. I looked at the car's rear bumper and it was fine, so I finally stopped holding my breath. A few minutes later the plastic cup and I made it to the lab in one piece. After answering a few questions and showing ID, I was on my way back home-- this time, by myself.

Deep breathe. One more thing I could check off our list of "embarrassing things that we have to do."

Later in the day I had my hair cut appointment. The last time I saw my hair dresser we had talked about how we were both not pregnant yet. We bonded over how much it sucked. A month or so ago I thought about making an appointment but I hesitated because I thought, "She must be pregnant by now." So I didn't make an appointment. Last week I couldn't stand my hair anymore so I decided I had to bite the bullet. I contemplated booking an appointment with someone else, but in the end I decided to see her. I'm loyal to my hair dressers and I wasn't about to turn my back on her because she might be pregnant. That's just craziness, right?

As I sat waiting for her I made a bet with myself. Pregnant or not pregnant? I thought to myself, "definitely pregnant," and that's when I saw her waddling over with her big ol' pregnant belly. I am honestly surprised and quite proud to say that my initial reaction was "good for you!" instead of "let me punch you in your uterus." She had struggled to get pregnant so I felt like it was one for the team. She is 35 weeks pregnant, which goes to show you that I definitely need to cut my hair more frequently.

We had a nice conversation about her nursery, her shower etc. and I told her about my adventures in baby-making. It felt good to talk to her about it and it felt good to have a conversation with a pregnant woman without wanting to gouge her eyes out. She asked me what hospital I'd be giving birth in, how many kids we wanted and gave me tips on baby registries. That in itself made my heart sing. We may not have kids yet but of course I dream about it. At a certain point it becomes taboo to ask these questions to fertility challenged couples and people stop asking you any questions. I get it-- they don't want to bring up a sore subject, but today, sitting in the chair talking about my future children-- it felt so good. She told me that next time I see her I'll be pregnant and I told her that I freakin' hope she's right.

Every time I have a day like today, a day that makes me think, Lordy someone should be recording this.... I mentally make a notch on a board. One more notch for something I survived. One more day that I chose Love. One more day that I chose to open my heart and feel joy for the people in my life and to see, really see the joy in my life. I don't want this journey to turn me into an ice queen and I will do everything I can to stay positive. I may be naive and a few months or years from now I  may look back and say "you silly, silly girl", but today I'm staying positive.

Another line from Stubborn Love that I'll have to add to my list of mantras:

"Keep your head up, my love"