Books and Paper Bags

Right now I'm in purgatory. We are just waiting to speak to the doctor to find out what our tests show and what the next step will be. I'm excited, nervous, anxious and scared. I'm hoping that we will be able to move into IVF territory but part of me is terrified that she will have some awful news for us. News like, "Oh, I'm sorry, you have no eggs or your uterus is weird or there is no way IVF or any technology will work for you." It's crazy how much my perspective has changed. If you told me a year ago that I'd be hoping to have IVF, I would have told you that you were crazy. Now I'm clinging on to the idea of it and praying that it works for us and brings us lots of healthy babies.

Since I don't have any news yet, I have been doing everything in my power to feel like I have some more control over the situation (which I don't). I have read and re-read my insurance company's policy on infertility coverage about a dozen times. I picked up two books from the library yesterday and read them both already. The more information that I have, the better I feel.

This morning before work I stopped by the clinic to pick up a "Semen Analysis Kit", aka a plastic cup in a paper bag. I had envisioned the kit to be in some sleek white box or some other professional looking container. What I was not expecting was the receptionist handing me a folded over paper bag like I was picking up illicit drugs or vodka nips. I got to the car and opened up the paper bag to see a plastic cup and a piece of paper with instructions. I unfolded the paper, half hoping that it had something humorous on it like "Have a good time buddy!" or a pornographic stick drawing. To my disappointment, it just had a list of instructions, including a note that we have to keep the sample at body temperature on the drive by either keeping the tube between our legs or in your armpit. I lost my sh*t and started to laugh.

I have the humor of a 13 year old boy.

In one week and one day we will have answers and I cannot freaking wait. I think... unless it's bad news and then I don't want to hear it.