I got the call around 10:30AM yesterday. I was on the phone at work and I saw my cell phone ringing. I almost hung up on the client because I was so anxious to answer the phone and get the news. My heart was pounding so loudly and I instantly felt sick. I ran outside to call the clinic back.
The receptionist said, "It looks like the doctor was trying to reach you." The short version is that I am not pregnant. My HCG was at a 2, so the doctor thinks that maybe something started to implant and then stopped, possibly because it was abnormal. The doctor said that 60% of day 5 blastocysts are normal which means that 40% are abnormal. She told me that she knew we had great things ahead of us, that it just wasn't "the one" and that today was a day for indulgences.
I tried to keep it together while I was speaking to her. She told me to call her when I was ready to discuss the next step. I said, "You might think that I'm crazy but I'm ready now." More like, I was ready yesterday. I want to be a Mom.
Calling Lenny was tough. Really, really tough. As much as it hurts me to go through this, what hurts me more is the fact that Lenny has to go through this. I want to make him a Dad and give him that joy more than anything. The guilt that I feel can be absolutely overwhelming. I cried on the phone with him and had trouble calming myself down. It was awful.
Being the awesome husband that he is, he told me he was taking me out to dinner. I had hoped this would be a celebratory dinner but instead it was a drink some wine and let's be sad together dinner.
By the time we got home from dinner (7:30PM) I was exhausted. Just physically and emotionally done. My face hurt from crying and as much as I wanted to hang out for a bit and just be near Lenny, I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours.
It was a tough day but I still believe that we will have our babies. Someday.
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