Grateful

When I first started reading up on IVF I came across a lot of entries and blogs about the horrible things that await you-- the injections, the side effects, etc. I can honestly say that my first IVF cycle was really not that bad. I didn't mind the injections, the meds, the monitoring. I didn't have many side effects and I was lucky that everything went well. Oh, except that I didn't get pregnant.

What I do find difficult is all of the waiting. We have another month or so before our FET and once again we are in limbo. I am trying to count my blessings, live in the now and enjoy every day instead of counting down the day but it's HARD. I keep looking at the date and I think, "Is it really still June???" I am very positive about the FET cycle and then today I had a thought.

What if it doesn't work?

We will keep going and trying-- most likely we will still have frozen embryos and then if THAT doesn't work, another fresh IVF cycle.

The actual process doesn't bother me. The waiting sucks the life out of me. Our next FET would probably be in September.... and then if that doesn't work? Our second IVF would be in November or December? I know that I'm getting ahead of myself (and hopefully I'll be knocked up by the middle of August), but WHAT IF.

I keep thinking that it will work but it's entirely possible that this round won't work and the next one won't. I see page after page in these infertility forums of women who did 2, 3, 4 rounds of IVF before getting their baby.

How much can I take? How much can we take?

I guess we will know when it's been enough. We are still in the beginning and I hope that we will be a "happy ending." I hope that next Father's day my husband will have a baby in his arms, but I'm not sure. I guess that's the point. None of us know. That's where faith comes in and trusting God or the universe or whatever you believe in that things will turn out OK, even if it's not how you pictured it.

I have to work on letting go. Letting go of this idea of what my life should look like. I thought by now I'd have one kid and another on the way. I don't. And I'm still alive.

I still enjoy my life, I still have SO much to be grateful for. I come home to my best friend every day and have experienced a love that I thought only existed in books or fairy tales. I have my family. I have my health. We have hope and possibility.

We drove to an ice cream stand on Saturday night and sat on the wooden gate while we slowly worked on our drippy cones. We people watched as we sat there as the Summer night grew around us. I thought about how I hope in a year or so I would think back to moments like this and feel nostalgic. Think about how nice it was that we could just think about ourselves and lay in bed all day if we felt like it. I hope that we are lucky enough to think about the "old days" when it was just the two of us.

I pray.