This is such a balancing act. I am constantly teetering between absolute excitement about what's to come and then complete panic that it won't work. I'm hopeful but gaurded.
Last night I had a talk with Lenny about this. I needed to lay it all out on the table. I wanted to make sure that we are on the same page, on the same line. I told him that I am going to be positive and do everything in my power to make this work, but that even if everything is perfect, we have a 50% shot of having a real, live, wiggly, chubby cheeked baby in February. I said that if this cycle doesn't work, I don't want to fall apart. I want to have a few days to mourn and then regroup and start on cycle 2. I won't give up.
He was completely with me. I felt better knowing that we had a plan. An anchor to keep me from being swept away to sea in case we don't get the news we want in 7 weeks. I thank God every day for giving me my husband. Without him I would never be able to do any of this. I like to talk things out, repeat myself... spill out my heart. I've said things to him that are thoughts usually people keep to themselves, but don't say outloud. I show him all of my vulnerabilities so that I don't have to pretend. Together we are stronger.
I hesitate to write the words I'm about to write because it tugs at my heart. I will do it anyway because these words come from my heart.
Dear Baby,
In three weeks I will hopefully be beginning this journey to bring you into this world. I guess "begin" is the wrong word because your dad and I are already in the middle of this journey right now.
In five weeks you will hopefully be in existence in your very first form. A tiny little group of cells that will hopefully make the most loved baby the world has ever seen.
In seven weeks I might get the best news that I've ever gotten in my entire life-- that I'm pregnant with you and only nine months away from seeing your perfect face.
In nine weeks I might be 6 weeks pregnant and we will hopefully see a little bean on the screen that will mean that you really do exist and are doing well.
I hope and pray that everything goes the way that I'd like. It's crazy to think that in a few (long) weeks I might be your Mama. I already love you more than you could ever understand.
All my love,
Mama
No comments:
Post a Comment