Cycle Day # 10 Labwork & Ultrasound

One of the reasons that I feel so compelled to write this blog is that I feel like I had no idea what to expect with this whole process and if I can offer a little insight to other couples going through this, it's a win. I got up bright and early on Sunday to get my cycle day 10 labwork and ultrasound done. I was a little nervous about the ultrasound because I wasn't exactly sure what they'd be doing.

I was happy to find out that they only had to take one vial for my bloodwork. After they took my blood, they had me follow a nurse into the ultrasound room. She gave me the rundown (get undressed and put this lovely tissue paper over your lap) and then the technician came in the room. I was handed a clipboard with a form that had lines to fill in for various measurements. The technician told me that she'd have me fill in numbers as she went. They measure the size of your uterus and ovaries, your follicle count, the thickness of your lining and make note of the shape of your uterus. I tried to memorize my numbers so I could check on it once I left. Picture me frantically googling "normal size uterus" in my car. You can just call me freak show.

What I have found to be most unnerving about this process is not having an immediate discussion with the doctor. I have no idea what was found with my labwork or the ultrasound. I understand that it makes more sense to have one meeting with the doctor once ALL of the labwork is complete but man it tests your patience. I'm anxious to meet with her and see what's going on. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time.

HSG Test

On Wednesday morning I had my HSG test scheduled, which stands for hysterosalpingogram (fancy, huh?). For those who are lucky enough to not know what that is, it's a test that checks your uterus and fallopian tubes. They inject a dye into your cervix and take x-rays to show if the dye goes through your tubes. I had been super anxious about this test because I had a feeling that my tubes were blocked. I was 99% sure that my right one was blocked due to my appendix rupturing and my previous ectopic pregnancy on that side. I had been praying that at least my left tube was OK.



An example of HSG test

 My doctor told me to NOT read anything online about it. She said that it wasn't that bad and that she didn't want me terrified. I actually took her advice and stayed away from anything besides medical descriptions of the procedure. Wednesday morning we drove to the hospital and went to the radiology department. I had been started on antibiotics as a precaution, and from what I've read, that's pretty standard procedure. I was also advised to take pain medication thirty minutes before the test, which I did.

They took me into a dressing room and asked me to remove everything from the waist down and then I went into the room. I was blessed by having the nicest nurse and doctor in the world. The radiologist explained everything to me as she went. They insert a speculum first and then put a catheter with a little balloon in your cervix. For me the most uncomfortable part was when they inflated the balloon to help keep the cervix dilated. It felt a little crampy and weird, but for me it wasn't much worse than regular menstrual cramps. When she started pushing the dye in, I didn't feel anything. I watched on the screen and from what I could tell, it didn't look like the dye was flowing into my fallopian tubes. After a few minutes the doctor confirmed my worst fears-- both of my tubes were blocked. I nodded and she asked if I was surprised. I told her that I wasn't surprised and she immediately said, "Don't you worry! They can fix these things these days." I could have hugged her.

Afterwards I got dressed and as we were walking out of the hospital I told Lenny the results. It wasn't the best news in the world, but we both felt better just KNOWING. We sat in the car for a while talking about it and of course Lenny was his usual optimistic self. The unexpected part was that I felt calm. We finally knew and know we could move on to the next step.

Right now we are waiting to meet with our doctor once we finish all of these initial tests. I know I'll feel much better once we speak to her and see what our options are. I've been speaking to friends, family and coworkers and it seems like everyone knows people who have gone through IVF and now have beautiful, healthy children. I hope that we will also have a happy ending.

So for you ladies who have to do this test-- it wasn't that bad for me at all. Afterwards I had the slightest bit of cramping but I went to work and felt fine. The next day I had some residual discomfort but by Friday I didn't feel any differently. Up next-- cycle day 10 labwork and ultrasound.

Cycle Day #3 Labwork

All through the holidays I had been waiting to get my period so that we could start our fertility testing. I was anxious to get things started but at the same time I kept telling myself to enjoy this quiet time. I knew that once the testing started it might get stressful. The morning that I went to get my cycle day 3 testing was a freezing cold morning. I got up a little earlier than I had to so I had enough time to do my  hair and put some make up on. I figured it wouldn't hurt to not look like a zombie. I had to get to the clinic by 7:45AM and I had no idea what to expect. When I got there the waiting room was filled with women and men sitting in silence. It was more intense than I had expected. I took the closest seat to the door and sat down.

When the nurse saw me fifteen minutes later she started to pull the vials out of the bins. I watched her out of the corner of my eye and saw that she lined up tube after tube. I finally said, "Are those all for me?" The nurse tried to reassure me by telling me that if I was donating blood she'd be taking 50 vials of blood instead of the 11 she had. Luckily the nurse found a good vein so I was done pretty quickly.  

On the drive home I stopped to pick up breakfast for us and I was coming around the bend a block away from our house, I saw the sun peaking above the horizon. A beautiful start to the day.

My doctor advised that I lose weight to increase my chances of getting pregnant and you better believe that I've been going to the gym and have been trying to eat healthy foods. For dinner one night I made clam stuffed mushrooms with kale on the side. Lunch another day was salad with feta, pumpkin seeds and peppers. It feels good to take care of myself.

My motto recently has been to treat myself lovingly. I've been taking time to do all of the things that bring me joy. I know that this process can be incredibly draining and it's easy to get yourself into a dark hole. I've been making time to read, write in my journal, spend time with my husband and do yoga. I've treated myself to coffee a few days this week (skinny vanilla lattes are my crack). I had a gift card left over from Christmas and decided to treat myself on my day off. I bought myself a patterned infinity scarf, a neon orange zipup for the gym, sparkle flats and a new candle. All of these things lift my spirits.

Coming up-- my HSG dye test.  

Christmas Sans Baby

The holidays can be particularly difficult when you are dealing with infertility. Thankfully, I'm feeling pretty cheerful this December. Last year we were still dealing with losing the pregnancy so the holidays were a little less shiny. This year since we are still just waiting for my next cycle to start, I feel pretty free. I haven't checked my temperature and I'm not obsessed with getting knocked up. I know that soon we can start all of the tests, figure out what's going on and have a plan! Baby K 2013! (I was thinking of getting that as a bumper sticker but that might be awkward?)

This weekend I felt like a stereotypical non-mom. We took the dogs to get their picture with Santa on Saturday, which was ridiculously funny. I sent the photo to my mother (the woman who isn't know for her fondness of pets) and she responded, "It's cute! This is a new one for me." I'm sure my poor mother would have preferred a picture of  chubby kid on Santa's lap, but this year she's stuck with a picture of one dog in a sweater and one dog in a Patriot's jersey. Sorry Mom!

On Sunday we went to the mall to do some shopping and to get to Sephora, aka my heaven on earth, we walked right by Santa and the crazy long line filled with kids of all ages and stages of meltdown. At one point a cute little girl in a frilly dress ran out from the line right under my feet and I nearly tripped over her. Her mother looked at me and gave me the half laugh and smile that said, "I'm sorry my daughter nearly broke your neck, but isn't she cute??!" I smiled back but was thinking, "Lady, your kid aint that cute." I'm kidding, I promise. The little girl was adorable, but I do say these inappropriate things in my head and it makes me laugh... internally.

After surviving the mall we went home to wrap presents and relax. We sprawled out on the floor in front of the tree and wrapped up all of the presents that had in the house. This is what I'm focusing on this holiday season- being present and being grateful. I could look at our life and see a hole where a baby shoulda/woulda/coulda be, but that would be false and damaging. There is nothing lacking from our lives. We have each other, a loving family, a roof over our heads, jobs and our health. Baby or not, you bet that you can find us stringing up lights, drinking hot chocolate, wrapping presents, baking  and watching cheesy Christmas movies for the next few weeks.

First Appointment with the RE

Yesterday we had our first appointment with our Reproductive Endocrinologist. I wasn't too nervous about the appointment since I knew that we'd just be chatting and wouldn't be doing any testing but I was still anxious to get things going. When we got there we checked in and then sat in the waiting room. I love how awkward these situations can be and luckily Lenny has the same sense of humor. We spent the twenty minute wait commenting on the weird artwork in the lobby, the furniture and reading through scary pamphlets. One of them said something about how once you turn 30 you have less than 2% of your eggs left. Lenny looked at me and said, "How old are you again?" After calling him a jerk and laughing, the doctor came out to greet us.

The doctor was very friendly and nice but ran through everything super quickly. Luckily I have been reading a lot on infertility so I was familiar with the terms and tests that she mentioned. After going through our medical histories the doctor said that she would run a battery of tests on us first and then from there come up with a plan. She was very confident that I'd get pregnant, which was reassuring to both of us. We met with a nurse afterwards just to go over the tests that I'd have to take and to see if we had any questions. It was definitely overwhelming and I was happy that they gave us paperwork that went into more detail.

After the appointment we went out to lunch, which ended up being a great idea. It gave us time to discuss the serious stuff and laugh about the awkwardness of it all. I'd highly suggest having lunch or dinner after your first appointment with the RE-- it gives you something to look forward to and an opportunity to talk about things while they are still fresh in your mind.

Here are some things that I didn't know prior to the appointment. They had recommended that I get testing on Cycle Day 3 and 10, which seems to be pretty common from what I've read. My instructions were to call on the first day of my period and then from there they would give me additional instructions. Day 3 testing includes fasting lab work and day 10 includes lab work and an ultrasound.

If I knew this before hand I might have changed the date of my appointment a bit. It doesn't really matter but when we left we felt excited and empowered and now we just have to wait.... So if I had to redo it, I'd probably book the appointment a littler closer to when I'd be expecting my period.

The doctor gave me a list of vitamins to take- a multi, vitamin D, calcium, folic acid and fish oil. I had some of those but will order the fish oil online and plan to buy some calcium/vitamin D chews.

So that's it for now-- we are playing a waiting game but  have to say that is feels AMAZING to not have to think or worry about getting pregnant this month. The doctor told me to throw away my thermometer and stop tracking my temperature. We are both excited to see what's next and we feel much better knowing that we are on our way to (hopefully) starting our family.

Tips For Dealing with Infertility I've Learned (So Far)

1. Banish the word "should" from your vocabulary. Stop thinking things like, "I should have had a baby by now," or "If that pregnancy had been successful, I should have a 3 month old right now." A lot of our grief comes from thinking about what might have been. As difficult as it is, you have to let go. This is the way that your life is and this is your journey. It may be much different than what you thought, but you can't change that.

2. Trust yourself. People are going to give you all sorts of advice, solicited or unsolicited. People will tell you what worked for them, their sister, their hairdresser, their friend's friend's ex sister in law. Remind yourself that they are giving you advice because they care. Then cover your ears (I'm only half serious). You know yourself and your marriage and your body better than anyone else. Do what feels right for you.

I was very interested in tracking my basal body temperature when I first started trying to conceive. I thought that it was interesting and I liked knowing what was going on with my body. My family members and friends thought that I was nuts, that I was stressing myself out. I heard over and over again that I should stop. I did for one month and you know what, it stressed me out. When I went to meet with my doctor yesterday I was able to provide over a years worth of data-- when I ovulated, when I didn't, what my cycles looked like etc. I had information, I knew my body and I felt in control. I was so incredibly thankful that I had listened to myself and tracked my information.

So no matter what people say, do what feels right for you and your family. Again, repeat after me, trust yourself.

3. Refocus your energy. Baby fever is real my friends. For the first few months of ttc I spent a lot of time online looking at maternity clothes and baby clothes and researching strollers. It felt good and exciting and new. About 10 months later it was just down right depressing. I decided to stop. Use this time to refocus your energy on something that doesn't involve waiting for 2 pink lines. Train for a 10K race, cook your way through your favorite cook book, host a dinner party, start a new workout program, create a list of books to read, etc. It feels good to have something else to think about and it keeps you from getting into a funk.

4. Live your life. This one ties in to #3 but expands on the idea that your life shouldn't be on pause. For a long time I lived that way. It felt like pregnancy was just around the corner. We didn't touch the extra bedroom (aka a storage room) because that was going to be the baby's room and there was no point in painting it twice. I didn't drink from about seven days after ovulation to when I got my period just in case I was pregnant. I didn't like to plan vacations because I thought, I might be pregnant. Eventually I realized that I was living like a hostage. My advice is to live your life. Go on vacation, go after that new job, train for that marathon and paint that extra bedroom. Keep your sanity girl and stop living on pause.

5. Reach out. Talk to people. Whether it's your sister, cousin, friend or anonymously in an online forum, talk about this experience. Fertility issues can be very isolating and it's easy to feel alone. Often I find that talking to someone else who is going through this makes me feel a million times better. I remember the day I found out that my hairdresser had been dealing with several miscarriages. She said, "It sucks." No truer words had ever been spoken.

6. Know someone dealing with fertility issues? I always think about this. What would I say to someone who is dealing with infertility. I find that I can never think of anything clever or meaningful or helpful. Because honestly, no words are. I always come back to the same fours words: I know this sucks. This is just from personal experience but hearing "it's going to be OK" or "It will all be fine" doesn't really help. I don't say this to be mean because I know that it must be weird and uncomfortable to offer words of comfort to someone dealing with a sucky situation. What does help? Acknowledgement that it's tough. Saying that you're there for them, no matter what they need. Go out to dinner with them, invite them over for a movie night. Also respect it if they don't want to talk about.

I have never been annoyed when someone asks how it's going. At least for me, it's something that I can always talk about. Most of the time I have to remind myself that normal people don't talk about ovulating and cervical mucous. I always appreciate an opportunity to vent a little.

Of course, everyone is different and sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. I do have one additional piece of advice. Don't ever tell someone that it will happen if they just relax or to go on a vacation. Ever. You've been warned...

Final words: Every person is different and every situation is different. What works for me may not work for you. The most important thing to remember is that you aren't alone. Fertility issues come with so many different emotions and it can be difficult to navigate. When things do get tough, go back to the basics. Do something that brings you joy whether it's painting or baking or taking the dogs for a walk. Sometimes we need a reminder that life is good and that even though we may be yearning to start a family, there is still plenty to be thankful in our lives.

Reality

For the last few months I've had a sneaking suspicion that for us, having a baby is just not going to be easy. I held on tight to the hope that maybe this will be IT. As every month would pass I could see the calendar pages flipping in my mind, slowly ticking the time away. I spoke to my doctor in September and she said, "If you aren't pregnant by November, make an appointment with me and we'll chat."

I remember feeling nervous and relieved. Relieved because we had a plan, but nervous because I didn't know what the future held. The morning that I called my doctor's office to make the appointment I had a moment. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, both hands planted firmly on the counter. I studied my face in the reflection and said out loud to myself and the universe, "I give up."

Those words set me free. I wasn't giving up on having a family, I was letting go. I was going to allow myself to take the next step. It was OK that maybe our journey was going to be different than we had planned.

Fast forward to this morning. My doctor's appointment was at 10:30AM and I was anxious. I started off the day on a healthy foot with a glass of water mixed with apple cider vinegar and a cup of green tea. I took another pregnancy test because man that would be a great story! After throwing out another negative pregnancy test, I started to get ready to leave the house.
 

 

After waiting what felt like an eternity, the doctor came in and asked me how things had been going. I grabbed all of my papers and charts (when did I become that woman?) and gave her all the information that I had. She jotted down my period dates and my ovulation dates. She paused. That's when she said it. "I think that you're having an ovulation issue and while I could give you medication, I think the better idea would be to have you see a reproductive endocrinologist." I nodded and said that sounded great. She left the room to get some information for me.

I can't say that I was surprised. It still felt like a slap on my face. This was happening. I was going to see a fertility specialist. I was becoming a story. You know how everyone has a, "Oh my friend's hair dresser had tired to get pregnant for four years before going for fertility treatments. It didn't work but then when they went on a vacation, BOOM she got pregnant!" I was going to be a story. Hopefully a successful one.

 

The doctor came back in the room and gave me in the information. Bless her soul, she really seemed to care. She told me that she would be waiting for the good news and as soon as I was pregnant, she'd take over my care. She told me that she hoped 2013 would be my year. Me and you both, sister.

I made it to my car in one piece. I called my husband and was able to give him the play by play. With no hesitation he said, "that's great"! He was genuinely excited. I burst into tears. In the sweetest way possible, and in such typical guy fashion he said, "Babe, I don't know why you're crying."

Why?

Because I'm broken. I feel like a failure. I'm scared. I'm petrified. And simply, this sucks.

I sat in my car for a few minutes in silence as the rain tapped at my windows. I made a decision. I had one day. One day to throw a pity party, one day to be angry at the world, one day to ask "why me, why us." And that was it. Come 12:01AM November 14th, no more. I am going to forge on and do everything that I can to make a freaking baby.

And that's not all. I am going to count my blessings and enjoy every day. I'm going to live and love the life I have and love with all of my heart. Maybe most importantly I'm going to love myself like hell.

When I got home I sat down and called to book an appointment with the fertility center. It felt good. And scary. One step forward. I had to run out to get something from CVS and like always I was distracted by the makeup aisles. I allowed myself one pity party purchase-- a new red lipstick.

I have less than three hours left to wallow but to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good. Tomorrow is a new day.