In Between

I've been meaning to write a post for the last week or so but I always feel like I don't really have anything new to say. I compose posts in my head but then I fail to get the words out onto the screen.

Right now I'm in this in between waiting phase that seems to be dragging along. For the first few weeks after the last RE appointment I felt excited and confident that soon we'd be on our way to having a baby. I looked at nursery pictures and day dreamed about being pregnant. I spent my time reading IVF blogs, watching videos about IVF protocols and basically researching the hell of out it. It felt good, it felt productive.

A few weeks later I was burnt out.

I've noticed that I have two responses to stressful situations: 1. Become paralyzed and ignore the problem with fierce dedication or 2. Get as much information as I can so I can feel like I have some control over the problem.

Thankfully (I think?), this whole infertility thing has brought out response #2. I feel so helpless in some ways that the only way that I feel like I have more power is if I have information. I have read and re-read my insurance policy on infertility coverage at least a dozen times. I've also called my insurance company to make sure that I am interpreting the coverage incorrectly. I've taken out books from the library, read too much on the internet and have been working my butt of at the gym.

There is still so much unknown that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I still have my sono-hsg to schedule, which from my understanding, is a procedure where the doctor can get a better look at your uterus to detect any abnormalities like polyps, scar tissue, etc. We have to face the insurance battle and hopefully get approved for IVF. I have no idea what to expect. Will they want us to do IUI first? Even if we get to the IVF stage, will it work-- will I produce enough eggs, will they fertilize, will it "stick."

One unknown on top of another, stacked on another.

B r e a t h e  I n . . .  B r e a t h e  O u t . . .