Yesterday was a day that I had been dreaming of for a long time. We had finally made it to our transfer day. I meant to write yesterday but no words came to me. The joy felt too raw and I was sort of in shock. I think that I still am.
Everything went beautifully. We got to the clinic really early, which ended up being a stupid idea. I drank water before I left the house and on the drive. I was fine in the waiting room, but when our scheduled time of 9:30AM came and went, my bladder started to hurt. I had to get up and walk around because I thought that I was going to pee on myself. Finally at 9:45AM they came to bring us into the area where the procedure was taking place.
As soon as I saw the nurse I felt a million times better. This was really happening! They took us to a small room that had an exam table and an ultrasound machine. The nurse went over the discharge instructions and then a technician came in to do an ultrasound of my bladder. I told her that I definitely had a full enough bladder and she confirmed that. Next the doctor came in and explained how everything was going to work. He left the room as the nurses got me "in position." It was a typical pelvic exam position except once I had my feet in the stirrups, they did something to the table that tilted my lower half up.
The doctor came back in and told us that we had a lot of great embryos. He said that he highly suggested we transfer only one embryo because I'm young (his words, not mine), we have at least 4 embryos to freeze (possibly 7 total) and they expect that I'll have a high change of implantation. He said that he would transfer two if we strongly felt that way. I felt comfortable and confident with his advice so we nodded that was fine. He showed us a picture of our little embie.
It was amazing.
Here was this little tiny bundle of cells that might become our very own miracle. All of my hopes and dreams in one picture. It was surreal.
The doctor talked me through each step. First he put the speculum in, then he put the catheter in. Once that was done, he called in the embryologist who came in with our embryo. She announced my name and then the doctor put our little baby back where it belonged. And that was that. The doctor said that we were all done and then he showed me video of the ultrasound showing the moment the embryo was placed in my uterus. Lenny asked for a photo of it.
I had to lay still for about 10 minutes and then the nurse came in to tell me I could get dressed and go to the bathroom. The whole thing happened so fast, it was sort of crazy to think that such a huge event could only take 20 minutes.
On the drive home we both just smiled and kept saying how amazing everything went. I had pictured what transfer day would be like and I had always pictured it differently. I thought that it would feel more real, that I'd be an emotional mess, but it was different. I was numb in a way. The absolute sheer magnitude of what just happened hasn't seeped in to my soul yet. This is our little baby. This little tiny seed may become a bouncing baby who becomes a toddler running around the house who becomes a little boy with scabs on his knees who becomes a teenager who rolls his eyes at me and on and on. This is huge. The little picture I stared at for hours yesterday was the key to everything.
It's now a day later and it still doesn't feel real.
I don't know when it will, but I hope that this baby sticks around long enough for me to find out.
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