Guys.
How is it going?
Today I am 5 Weeks 3 days pregnant. I still feel like it hasn't really hit me.
I had a fabulous week away in Cape Cod and got back home yesterday. It was amazing. Tons of seafood, beach, sunny weather, bbq, family time, snuggling with little girls, ice cream and adventures. Pure heaven.
Except there was always this nagging feeling of uncertainty following me around like a dark cloud. Last Saturday my blood work came back great so I felt confident. By Sunday morning I felt like my symptoms had decreased. I started to freak out. By Wednesday I was starting to feel a little dizzy again so I felt better. I honestly tried not to think about it too often (sorry baby) because it was making me crazy.
This morning I had labwork again and I felt pretty confident again. They usually send me an email around 11AM so when 11AM came and went and then 12PM came and went my mind went to worst case scenario.
My thoughts raced. They are waiting for a doctor to call me with bad news. My number went down. I've lost the baby. Sheer. Panic.
At 12:47PM I got an email. I feverishly logged in and saw the beautiful words: Your pregnancy test came back at 11930. This is another very good number.
DEEP
BREATH
My ultra sound is scheduled for Friday, September 13th. I will be 8 weeks, 2 days. I was really thinking/hoping that I'd have an ultrasound next week but it looks like I'm going to have to sweat it out for 3 more weeks.
I have to stop with my dark storm cloud. I am pregnant. All signs so far have been positive. I am currently growing a little life and I should be enjoying it. I can't control anything and my worrying is not going to change anything. It's just so hard to let go of the fear when you have wished and prayed for something for years and now it's sitting in your lap. I am afraid to get "too excited" until I know that it will be OK. But will I ever really know that? I'm sure every Mom will say that the worry NEVER stops. Even when your kids are in their 30s or 40s or 50s. That's part of the job description.
I have been too afraid to take pictures or write in pregnancy journals or sign up for any pregnancy newsletters. But do I want to live like this? If something God-forbid happens to this child, will I feel better because I didn't receive a weekly newsletter? Will a loss be harder because I wrote in a journal about becoming a Mom? I doubt it.
I might as well embrace this now because now is all that we have.
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