I love going back and reading old journal entries. I especially love when I can read something and say, this is where I was a year ago and this is where I am today. The other day I was talking to my husband about our hopeful IVF cycle this Spring/Early Summer and I said, "Can you believe that in a year we might (see what I did there... it's called virtually crossing your fingers that you aren't jinxing anything) have a baby or almost be having a baby?" It made me think about where we were a year ago.
I was still waiting for my second period to come after the ectopic pregnancy. Once I got it, we would have the green light to start trying again. I remember being so positive that I'd get pregnant that summer and be pregnant for my cousin's wedding.
Here we are a year later, still playing a waiting game, but standing on somewhat firmer ground. We have a plan. I hope that a year from now I can look back and say, "Wow, how much a year has changed."
Only time will tell...
March 7, 2012
I think that I’m falling in love with March.
Yesterday was an incredibly sunny day and by mid afternoon the living room was like an oven. I opened up the front door, sat on the steps with my gardening book and listened to “Sitting on the dock of the bay” through the open window. The ground was still covered in snow but the sun's rays were slowly melting everything. The world was literally thawing out to make way for Spring.
After Lenny came home from work we went to Home Depot to get some supplies for the basement. As soon as we walked in I saw the patio furniture on display and immediately knew that the gardening department would be open. We excitedly made our way to the back where they keep the gardening items and I nearly danced in excitement. I looked at all of the bulbs and the hundreds of seed packets lined up neatly in rows. It was overwhelming. I wanted to reach out my arms and hug the entire display. All of those seeds waiting to be planted. Hundreds of packets of possibilities.
We walked around the store dreaming out loud. It's one of the reasons that I love going to home improvement stores. We both get lost in our lives together and dream up all of the things that we want to do. This shelf would look great in a kid's room, these lights would look amazing on our patio, that paint color would be great in the basement. These things are just that-- THINGS, but they represent so much more. We share visions of bedtime stories with our kids, late night barbecues on Summer nights and family hanging out in the basement with a fire roaring. We stroll up and down the aisles making future memories. It hit me so hard yesterday as we were standing in the aisle together, this moment was perfect. Me and him, together, dreaming about our future, the world slowly thawing out outside. Everything was right because I have him and he has me. I squeezed his arm to say, “I love you. I love us.”
As we were driving home the sun was setting, melting the sky into a puddle of peach and orange. I love how every month has different colored sunsets. I've noticed in the last week that March has orange colored sunsets. So yes, I think that I'm definitely falling in love with March.
This is the month of possibility-- a month of potential.
"The March wind roars
Like a lion in the sky,
And makes us shiver
As he passes by.
When winds are soft,
And the days are warm and clear,
Just like a gentle lamb,
Then spring is here."
- Author Unknown
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
The "Extra" Bedroom
We've been in our house for about two and a half years. We have three bedrooms-- one is a guest bedroom and the other bedroom has always been unofficially considered the future nursery. When we moved we used it as a storage area for all of the crap that we didn't know what to do with yet. The first year in the house we focused on getting other parts of the house done, the kitchen, bathroom, etc., so it was at the bottom of the list. Then I got pregnant and then lost the pregnancy, so for a while I didn't want to have anything to do with the room at all. It became this weird taboo space that I didn't want to touch.
The room is a mess. We still have the paper on the floor that we put down to protect the hard wood floors when we painted. The walls are white from the primer but we never actually painted it. There are boxes everywhere and an incredible amount of junk. Charming, right?
A few weeks ago my Mom asked me if we had made any progress cleaning out the room. I told her that we were still working on the basement and asked her why she was so concerned. She didn't want to spit it out, but she finally admitted that she thought that the baby wanted to know that there was a room ready for him/her. I laughed at her and told her she was crazy. My Mom said, "just trust me." The strange thing is that the thought started to grow in the back of my brain and I thought that she might be on to something. Obviously, cleaning out that room isn't going to magically make my tubes open up, but maybe, just maybe having that room actually part of our house will create some positive vibes.
Last weekend we spent a few minutes throwing out some things and it felt good. On Friday we actually set up a fish tank in there because my husband decided to buy some small fish that were too small to go into the big tank. I wasn't thrilled about adding another fish tank to my house but it was nice to actually use the room. We now keep the door open and my husband goes in there to feed and check on the fish. I've stood in the middle of the room a few times and just soaked it in. It's either going to be one beautiful nursery or at least a really kick ass office/craft room. We all know which one I'd prefer...
It's really powerful that that room has life in it now. No matter what happens, it shouldn't be an isolated room that we don't use. I feel motivated now to clean out the clutter and start making it into something. It's not healthy to put your life on hold and keeping this extra room hostage is an example of that. Time to air it out along with all of its ghosts.
Monday, March 4, 2013
In Between
I've been meaning to write a post for the last week or so but I always feel like I don't really have anything new to say. I compose posts in my head but then I fail to get the words out onto the screen.
Right now I'm in this in between waiting phase that seems to be dragging along. For the first few weeks after the last RE appointment I felt excited and confident that soon we'd be on our way to having a baby. I looked at nursery pictures and day dreamed about being pregnant. I spent my time reading IVF blogs, watching videos about IVF protocols and basically researching the hell of out it. It felt good, it felt productive.
A few weeks later I was burnt out.
I've noticed that I have two responses to stressful situations: 1. Become paralyzed and ignore the problem with fierce dedication or 2. Get as much information as I can so I can feel like I have some control over the problem.
Thankfully (I think?), this whole infertility thing has brought out response #2. I feel so helpless in some ways that the only way that I feel like I have more power is if I have information. I have read and re-read my insurance policy on infertility coverage at least a dozen times. I've also called my insurance company to make sure that I am interpreting the coverage incorrectly. I've taken out books from the library, read too much on the internet and have been working my butt of at the gym.
There is still so much unknown that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I still have my sono-hsg to schedule, which from my understanding, is a procedure where the doctor can get a better look at your uterus to detect any abnormalities like polyps, scar tissue, etc. We have to face the insurance battle and hopefully get approved for IVF. I have no idea what to expect. Will they want us to do IUI first? Even if we get to the IVF stage, will it work-- will I produce enough eggs, will they fertilize, will it "stick."
One unknown on top of another, stacked on another.
B r e a t h e I n . . . B r e a t h e O u t . . .
Right now I'm in this in between waiting phase that seems to be dragging along. For the first few weeks after the last RE appointment I felt excited and confident that soon we'd be on our way to having a baby. I looked at nursery pictures and day dreamed about being pregnant. I spent my time reading IVF blogs, watching videos about IVF protocols and basically researching the hell of out it. It felt good, it felt productive.
A few weeks later I was burnt out.
I've noticed that I have two responses to stressful situations: 1. Become paralyzed and ignore the problem with fierce dedication or 2. Get as much information as I can so I can feel like I have some control over the problem.
Thankfully (I think?), this whole infertility thing has brought out response #2. I feel so helpless in some ways that the only way that I feel like I have more power is if I have information. I have read and re-read my insurance policy on infertility coverage at least a dozen times. I've also called my insurance company to make sure that I am interpreting the coverage incorrectly. I've taken out books from the library, read too much on the internet and have been working my butt of at the gym.
There is still so much unknown that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I still have my sono-hsg to schedule, which from my understanding, is a procedure where the doctor can get a better look at your uterus to detect any abnormalities like polyps, scar tissue, etc. We have to face the insurance battle and hopefully get approved for IVF. I have no idea what to expect. Will they want us to do IUI first? Even if we get to the IVF stage, will it work-- will I produce enough eggs, will they fertilize, will it "stick."
One unknown on top of another, stacked on another.
B r e a t h e I n . . . B r e a t h e O u t . . .
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
First Week on Metformin
It's been a week since our doctor's appointment and so far, so good. I've been going to the gym and have been working on meal planning. I've lost about 2 lbs this week, which I will happily take! Right now I have about 12 lbs to lose to get to where my doctor wants me to be. Bring it on!
I've been trying to snap photos of my meals so I can remember combinations and snacks that I liked. One morning I had one organic egg, half a grapefruit, a piece of cheese and a mint tea.
I've been trying to snap photos of my meals so I can remember combinations and snacks that I liked. One morning I had one organic egg, half a grapefruit, a piece of cheese and a mint tea.
This morning I had a gala apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a glass of water with lemon.
I've been eating a lot of veggies.
Last night I had some baked ziti and some clam stuffed mushrooms.
Last week I had feta, tomatoes, garlic and spinach for lunch one day.
Another breakfast of eggs and half a grapefruit.
In the morning I take gummy multi-vitamins, fish oil, folic acid and a calcium/vitamin D chew.
Last week my doctor put me on metformin to help me lose weight and it's been kicking my butt... literally. She instructed me to start off with half a pill, 2 times a day and work my way up to one pill twice a day. I did half a pill the first couple of days and then got cocky and took the full dose. My stomach was not happy with me. I had some unfortunate side effects last week which caused me to run at full speed to the bathroom. That's all that I will say about that...
Other than that, it's been OK so far. The first few days I was pretty tired, but I'm not sure if that was unrelated. I wouldn't say that I'm nauseous, I'm just not hungry. Nothing sounds appealing to me and on Sunday I had to remind myself to eat lunch. This is extremely abnormal for me since I'm usually thinking about lunch while I'm eating breakfast. I love food, what can I say?
I'm hoping to be about 20 pounds lighter by my April appointment with the doctor, but we will see how it goes. It's so strange how right now I'm so focused on getting my weight down so that I can increase my chances of getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy, etc., that I keep forgetting that as a side perk, I'm also going to be getting smaller! I seriously had a moment the other day where I was like, wow, I'm going to be able to fit into my old clothes and I'll feel so much better with the weight off. It's sort of bizarre. I'm having some serious baby-making tunnel vision.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Not If, But When
Twenty four hours ago I was having a silent panic attack. I've been pretty optimistic about everything, but on Monday I started getting increasingly nervous about our appointment with the doctor. I couldn't help but worry about all of the horrible, terrible things that she found during all of our tests. It wasn't rational, but I was worried that we'd go in the office and she'd basically tell us that she couldn't help us. Every time I thought about it, it felt like I had swallowed an ice cube whole, cold fingers tightening around my heart.
Our appointment was at 12:30pm yesterday and on the drive to the office I tried to focus on the moment. One second at a time. Once I saw our doctor, I immediately felt better. We sat down and she told me that my blood work was great and that she didn't think that my left tube was blocked. She said that it might be, but it might also be fine. My husband's results came back fine too. She said that our next step would be IVF, though we could possibly get pregnant on our own. Right now the plan is for me to lose some more weight-- I have 13 lbs to go to get to her goal for me-- and then we meet again in two months. The doctor was so optimistic that she said, "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, but just a matter of when." I could have jumped across the table to kiss her.
It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders after we left. I could have skipped on clouds I was so excited. It feels great to have a plan and know that this is really possible. We really could have a baby!
I'm so grateful that the appointment went as well as it did. It gave us both so much hope and I am very excited for what's to come. Again, I always feel like I'm being naive about this, but I don't care. I'll worry and stress when I have to. Today I will be happy.
Our appointment was at 12:30pm yesterday and on the drive to the office I tried to focus on the moment. One second at a time. Once I saw our doctor, I immediately felt better. We sat down and she told me that my blood work was great and that she didn't think that my left tube was blocked. She said that it might be, but it might also be fine. My husband's results came back fine too. She said that our next step would be IVF, though we could possibly get pregnant on our own. Right now the plan is for me to lose some more weight-- I have 13 lbs to go to get to her goal for me-- and then we meet again in two months. The doctor was so optimistic that she said, "It's not a matter of if you get pregnant, but just a matter of when." I could have jumped across the table to kiss her.
It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders after we left. I could have skipped on clouds I was so excited. It feels great to have a plan and know that this is really possible. We really could have a baby!
I'm so grateful that the appointment went as well as it did. It gave us both so much hope and I am very excited for what's to come. Again, I always feel like I'm being naive about this, but I don't care. I'll worry and stress when I have to. Today I will be happy.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Stubborn Love
"It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all. The opposite of love's indifference"
This line from the Lumineer's song, Stubborn Love, has been my mantra lately. I remind myself that everything I feel, including the pain, the doubt, the sadness, is because I love my husband and want to start a family with him. It all comes from a place of love.
Today was... well, interesting. This morning I had to drop off a "sample" at the lab and I was running late. I frantically called the clinic to let them know and rushed to get there as quickly as I could. In my haste I ended up tapping the car in front of me when I didn't slow down fast enough for traffic. Instantly my heart jumped into my throat. Was this really happening? I looked down at the tube between my knees and thought, "This sample is going to go to waste."He is going to kill me. My guardian angel was looking out for me and the driver just waved at me and kept going. I looked at the car's rear bumper and it was fine, so I finally stopped holding my breath. A few minutes later the plastic cup and I made it to the lab in one piece. After answering a few questions and showing ID, I was on my way back home-- this time, by myself.
Deep breathe. One more thing I could check off our list of "embarrassing things that we have to do."
Later in the day I had my hair cut appointment. The last time I saw my hair dresser we had talked about how we were both not pregnant yet. We bonded over how much it sucked. A month or so ago I thought about making an appointment but I hesitated because I thought, "She must be pregnant by now." So I didn't make an appointment. Last week I couldn't stand my hair anymore so I decided I had to bite the bullet. I contemplated booking an appointment with someone else, but in the end I decided to see her. I'm loyal to my hair dressers and I wasn't about to turn my back on her because she might be pregnant. That's just craziness, right?
As I sat waiting for her I made a bet with myself. Pregnant or not pregnant? I thought to myself, "definitely pregnant," and that's when I saw her waddling over with her big ol' pregnant belly. I am honestly surprised and quite proud to say that my initial reaction was "good for you!" instead of "let me punch you in your uterus." She had struggled to get pregnant so I felt like it was one for the team. She is 35 weeks pregnant, which goes to show you that I definitely need to cut my hair more frequently.
We had a nice conversation about her nursery, her shower etc. and I told her about my adventures in baby-making. It felt good to talk to her about it and it felt good to have a conversation with a pregnant woman without wanting to gouge her eyes out. She asked me what hospital I'd be giving birth in, how many kids we wanted and gave me tips on baby registries. That in itself made my heart sing. We may not have kids yet but of course I dream about it. At a certain point it becomes taboo to ask these questions to fertility challenged couples and people stop asking you any questions. I get it-- they don't want to bring up a sore subject, but today, sitting in the chair talking about my future children-- it felt so good. She told me that next time I see her I'll be pregnant and I told her that I freakin' hope she's right.
Every time I have a day like today, a day that makes me think, Lordy someone should be recording this.... I mentally make a notch on a board. One more notch for something I survived. One more day that I chose Love. One more day that I chose to open my heart and feel joy for the people in my life and to see, really see the joy in my life. I don't want this journey to turn me into an ice queen and I will do everything I can to stay positive. I may be naive and a few months or years from now I may look back and say "you silly, silly girl", but today I'm staying positive.
Another line from Stubborn Love that I'll have to add to my list of mantras:
"Keep your head up, my love"
This line from the Lumineer's song, Stubborn Love, has been my mantra lately. I remind myself that everything I feel, including the pain, the doubt, the sadness, is because I love my husband and want to start a family with him. It all comes from a place of love.
Today was... well, interesting. This morning I had to drop off a "sample" at the lab and I was running late. I frantically called the clinic to let them know and rushed to get there as quickly as I could. In my haste I ended up tapping the car in front of me when I didn't slow down fast enough for traffic. Instantly my heart jumped into my throat. Was this really happening? I looked down at the tube between my knees and thought, "This sample is going to go to waste."He is going to kill me. My guardian angel was looking out for me and the driver just waved at me and kept going. I looked at the car's rear bumper and it was fine, so I finally stopped holding my breath. A few minutes later the plastic cup and I made it to the lab in one piece. After answering a few questions and showing ID, I was on my way back home-- this time, by myself.
Deep breathe. One more thing I could check off our list of "embarrassing things that we have to do."
Later in the day I had my hair cut appointment. The last time I saw my hair dresser we had talked about how we were both not pregnant yet. We bonded over how much it sucked. A month or so ago I thought about making an appointment but I hesitated because I thought, "She must be pregnant by now." So I didn't make an appointment. Last week I couldn't stand my hair anymore so I decided I had to bite the bullet. I contemplated booking an appointment with someone else, but in the end I decided to see her. I'm loyal to my hair dressers and I wasn't about to turn my back on her because she might be pregnant. That's just craziness, right?
As I sat waiting for her I made a bet with myself. Pregnant or not pregnant? I thought to myself, "definitely pregnant," and that's when I saw her waddling over with her big ol' pregnant belly. I am honestly surprised and quite proud to say that my initial reaction was "good for you!" instead of "let me punch you in your uterus." She had struggled to get pregnant so I felt like it was one for the team. She is 35 weeks pregnant, which goes to show you that I definitely need to cut my hair more frequently.
We had a nice conversation about her nursery, her shower etc. and I told her about my adventures in baby-making. It felt good to talk to her about it and it felt good to have a conversation with a pregnant woman without wanting to gouge her eyes out. She asked me what hospital I'd be giving birth in, how many kids we wanted and gave me tips on baby registries. That in itself made my heart sing. We may not have kids yet but of course I dream about it. At a certain point it becomes taboo to ask these questions to fertility challenged couples and people stop asking you any questions. I get it-- they don't want to bring up a sore subject, but today, sitting in the chair talking about my future children-- it felt so good. She told me that next time I see her I'll be pregnant and I told her that I freakin' hope she's right.
Every time I have a day like today, a day that makes me think, Lordy someone should be recording this.... I mentally make a notch on a board. One more notch for something I survived. One more day that I chose Love. One more day that I chose to open my heart and feel joy for the people in my life and to see, really see the joy in my life. I don't want this journey to turn me into an ice queen and I will do everything I can to stay positive. I may be naive and a few months or years from now I may look back and say "you silly, silly girl", but today I'm staying positive.
Another line from Stubborn Love that I'll have to add to my list of mantras:
"Keep your head up, my love"
Monday, February 4, 2013
Books and Paper Bags
Right now I'm in purgatory. We are just waiting to speak to the doctor to find out what our tests show and what the next step will be. I'm excited, nervous, anxious and scared. I'm hoping that we will be able to move into IVF territory but part of me is terrified that she will have some awful news for us. News like, "Oh, I'm sorry, you have no eggs or your uterus is weird or there is no way IVF or any technology will work for you." It's crazy how much my perspective has changed. If you told me a year ago that I'd be hoping to have IVF, I would have told you that you were crazy. Now I'm clinging on to the idea of it and praying that it works for us and brings us lots of healthy babies.
Since I don't have any news yet, I have been doing everything in my power to feel like I have some more control over the situation (which I don't). I have read and re-read my insurance company's policy on infertility coverage about a dozen times. I picked up two books from the library yesterday and read them both already. The more information that I have, the better I feel.
This morning before work I stopped by the clinic to pick up a "Semen Analysis Kit", aka a plastic cup in a paper bag. I had envisioned the kit to be in some sleek white box or some other professional looking container. What I was not expecting was the receptionist handing me a folded over paper bag like I was picking up illicit drugs or vodka nips. I got to the car and opened up the paper bag to see a plastic cup and a piece of paper with instructions. I unfolded the paper, half hoping that it had something humorous on it like "Have a good time buddy!" or a pornographic stick drawing. To my disappointment, it just had a list of instructions, including a note that we have to keep the sample at body temperature on the drive by either keeping the tube between our legs or in your armpit. I lost my sh*t and started to laugh.
I have the humor of a 13 year old boy.
In one week and one day we will have answers and I cannot freaking wait. I think... unless it's bad news and then I don't want to hear it.
Since I don't have any news yet, I have been doing everything in my power to feel like I have some more control over the situation (which I don't). I have read and re-read my insurance company's policy on infertility coverage about a dozen times. I picked up two books from the library yesterday and read them both already. The more information that I have, the better I feel.
This morning before work I stopped by the clinic to pick up a "Semen Analysis Kit", aka a plastic cup in a paper bag. I had envisioned the kit to be in some sleek white box or some other professional looking container. What I was not expecting was the receptionist handing me a folded over paper bag like I was picking up illicit drugs or vodka nips. I got to the car and opened up the paper bag to see a plastic cup and a piece of paper with instructions. I unfolded the paper, half hoping that it had something humorous on it like "Have a good time buddy!" or a pornographic stick drawing. To my disappointment, it just had a list of instructions, including a note that we have to keep the sample at body temperature on the drive by either keeping the tube between our legs or in your armpit. I lost my sh*t and started to laugh.
I have the humor of a 13 year old boy.
In one week and one day we will have answers and I cannot freaking wait. I think... unless it's bad news and then I don't want to hear it.
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